Up and down and all around
I don’t even remember what the last thing I wrote about was. There are a bunch of little things going on right now. Age of Conan came out yesterday, though not until around 4:30-5 pm, and after that my computer was having problems running it. But I didn’t know it was going live that late, and I was up at 8:30 trying to get the game to work. . .needless to say I wasted pretty much an entire day on waiting to play a game. Well, not all of yesterday was a waste. It just feels like it was.
Work has been work. There are things to do, some which I like and some which I don’t. Though this past week I got really frustrated, trying to do some large format graphic, and finding out that my computer at work didn’t have enough RAM. It was silly, because I could have just ordered some and put it in, but I asked too many questions, and got told the IT people should take care of it. But they’re off site, and take forever to do things if you don’t keep nagging them. I still don’t know if/when I’m getting my ram.
That little episode (plus the arrogance I was met with when calling the IT people on the phone) lead me to feel uhnappy with my overall work position. I came home and told Rob about it and after much talk and deliberation, he’s giving me assignments to learn stuff. The goal being to get me into a higher paying, less restricting? (I dunno if that’s what I really mean, I guess I just don’t want people to assume I know nothing because I’m a female who works in an office anymore) job. It’ll be a process, but it has begun.
My knitting and other creative endeavors have come to a halt. I don’t know if it’s because work is being really stressful or what, but when I come home I want to do nothing but watch Voyager, and when I’m at lunch all I want to do is sleep. My night-time sleep has not been very restful lately. No no progress to speak of on any of my knitting projects. Or anything else I had kicking around the back of my mind. I wanted to start making dolls, not the StatYou kind but different, something else entirely. But I wanted to start making them to sell on Etsy, because I’m really not making enough money right now to pay my bills, pay some debt, and buy anything. It’s frustrating, and it’s going to be MONTHS before I can buy myself anything at this rate. But any time I have a free moment, I can’t quite get myself to sit down and make. Dunno why.
And last but not least, someone who’s blog I read posted this test. . .here are my results: (which surprisingly, are very different from hers, not that that lends any more credibility to it, it is still an internet test, but I was expecting something more hokey and less accurate for both of us.):
“You are trying to establish yourself and make an impact despite the fact that everything around you seems to be against you - putting up barriers, but don’t be unduly concerned: you have the right ideas and come what may, they will soon be manifested and appreciated.
You ‘need to be needed’. As an idealist you are intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to you. If you do not get what you seek you are apt to become reclusive and you will close the doors on all those within your sphere of influence.
You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offence.
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn’t matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don’t really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
You need to be respected as an exceptional individual. This is the only way that you can hope to achieve the status that you wish to achieve. You set yourself very high standards - and come what may - you abide by them.”
