Jeans and Sneakers

So for the past couple of months, I’ve been getting more and more disheartened with my 9-5.  Scanning the popular sites is something I’ve become accustomed to. . .but lately there’s a huge difference.  The state of our economy is no joke.  For me, it shows most prominently in one area: the job boards.  It seems that lately, companies are asking for ridiculous things, and getting them.  Jobs that previously paid between $30-40k are now looking to pay $20-30k.  I’m guessing things are so dire, that people who are getting laid off are accepting these underpaid positions, just to have SOME money coming in.

I may be crazy, but this situation is unacceptable to me.  In the past, when faced with an unacceptable situation, I’d walk away from it.  How do you walk away from the job market?  By not accepting other people’s rules.  To some degree at least.  I’ve been talking for years about working for myself, and obviously, to this day, I’ve done nothing to make that idea become a reality.  I put up a website for a product I don’t want to sell, didn’t advertise it in the hopes of not having to sell anything, and accepted my “failure” as something that just wasn’t meant to pan out.

Why do we do these things to ourselves?  I’m sure I’m not the only one who dreams of something, makes some pathetic half attempt at it, and then accepts that it’s not to be.  Are we THAT afraid of change, THAT afraid of taking a risk that we’d really rather be miserable and convince ourselves that we “really tried”?  Jesus.  WTF am I thinking?

I have a plan.  Yeah, yeah, most of my plans are like quick fixes to assauge my mind, to keep from panicking, and then it’s just business as usual.  But I made it back into school, so maybe my planning isn’t all bullshit.  And this plan has STEPS!!

Right now, my schedule is pretty frigging hectic.  Work, class, rehearsal, homework, regular home stuff, and my awesome fiance, and I’m out of time.  I’ve even cancelled my lunchtime carnaps so that I can do my journaling homework for ENG 103.  And of course, to try and blog more often.  So looking at my very current situation, I was getting frustrated in my job and thinking inside the box, the only solution I could see was to get another job.  Ugh.

But with the job boards being all but deserted, or even worse, looking for fools, my situation looked pretty helpless.  But today, I read some stuff and I think I’ve just reached the last straw.  Why am I not living my life to the fullest, why am I allowing myself to be miserable?  I want to work for myself, why aren’t I?

Ok, ok, my plan.  My plan is this:

a) Get through the musical and make sure to ace all of my classes.  School is worth bubkis if you fail out.  Also, make sure to rock the eff out of this playbill job for Drama Society.  It’s another thing for portfolio.

b) Come winterim, make websites.  Make a new wordpress theme for THIS blog, revamp tot, and put stuff up on those other domains I’ve got kicking around.  Call people you spoke to about possibly doing their websites, get more sites designed and up. Learn, learn, learn, learn, learn.

c) When sites are ready, particularly the portfolio site, classes will probably be in session again, DO NOT JOIN MUSICAL, start branching out and looking for more web work.  Ask friends to ask friends if they need anything done.  Get things moving all around.  Learn, learn, learn, learn, learn.

d) Bust ass.  Seriously.  Bust ass and try to get as much work as possible, scan craig’s list and anything else you possibly can to get more stuff going.  Update portfolio, network, work, Learn, learn, learn, learn, learn.

I know, the end steps there aren’t too formulated, but how can they be when I’m not there yet?  I’ve got plans until the end of 08, beginning of 09, and then I’ll have to look at what I’ve got and reformulate what I’m going to do next.  One step at a time.

I read an article today that said that a six-figure income breaks down to earning $50/hr.  Sounds like a lot, but, $50/hr is $2000/wk.  Break that up into projects, rather than hours, and I think it’s possible.  And while I don’t NEED a six figure income, just about double what I’m making (now you know it’s less than $50k a year, yeah, I don’t make much), and that’s way  more than possible if I really work at it.  So.  Step 1, make it through this semester.  Step 2, build sites during winterim.  Learn.  Call.  I can do these things, just have to take them steps at a time, and remember that I’m working towards a goal here.  An attainable goal, not something outlandish, not something that is unrealistic.  I can do this.

I’ve got some time to kill before going to sleep, I figured I’d write a little bit.  Things have been so busy lately that I’ve felt like I need to force myself to take moments to relax.  The only thing is, even the relax time feels rushed or stolen, I can’t seem to de-stress.

I’ve been drinking coffee this week also, and I believe that it affects my sleep patterns. . .whenever I drink it, my sleep that night is not restful.  Today I had tea, I’m hoping that I get good sleep.

Tomorrow I have musical rehearsal after work.  I really can’t wait for it to be over.  That sounds so weird coming from me, I looked forward to it so much, but it’s just too much for me to do right now.

Work has been very stressful, I feel like every other minute I’m snapping at someone.  There is so much stupidity and wastefulness going on there, it’s very hard not to get frustrated.  Very hard.

I haven’t had any time to knit, or even properly set up this macbook (I finally got it!!), every time I sit down with it I can’t remember what it was I wanted to do.  Forgetfulness.  Ugh.

I guess I’ll conk out now.  Just felt like writing.  :]

Holy crap.  Today while browsing the web, I came across Just Bento’s Homemade furikake recipe, and I thought, “hmm, I could probably make that.”  Gomashio, or sesame salt furikake is one of my favorite kinds of rice seasoning, and the last time I bought a container of it (around $3 and change) it was gone in a few days.  But I remembered that I had some sesame seeds from the baking section of my supermarket (a much bigger container, for a lot cheaper), that I had planned on using for some kind of bread tastiness.  Rock.  I came home and decided to play in the kitchen.

Also while browsing the web, I came across this recipe which includes a “sweet egg onigiri”, which sounded interesting to me.  So I tried that out also.  I can’t tell you how it is until I eat it though.

But oh man.  OH MAN.  I am NEVER buying gomashio furikake ever again.  EVER.  The recipe was simple, and the result is DELICIOUS.  I had some left over rice from dinner and my egg onigiri, so I made some little gomashio rice balls and put them in the freezer.  My first bento lunch stash item!!  I will never throw away seemingly useless amounts of leftover rice again either.

I also packed a full lunch bento with the leftover dinner I didn’t eat.  I’m set for the rest of the week, since Rob’s taking me out to lunch on my bday.

Tomorrow’s my first day of SCHOOL!!!  So nervous, but it shouldn’t be a big deal, because it’s only this one class this week.  It’s not even for a grade, it’s pass/fail.  Right on.  I got everything straight with the school offices (I hope!), and I’m all set to go.  I even bought all of my books already.

ANNNNDDDDD. . .my school is putting on Thorougly Modern Millie.  HOLY CRAP.  I’m going to audition.  I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it because of my schedule, but I emailed them and they said that it shouldn’t be a problem.  My audition day is Rob’s birthday, and he’s going to come be my own personal support group (he’s awesome like that), and then I’m going to cook him dinner.  :]

And just one last little side note here. . . .store bought waxing home kits. . .don’t work so well for me.  :[

I had my 90 day review today.  It went pretty well, actually.  Well, they’re happy with me at least, with the work I’ve been doing for them and the efficiency of which I’ve done it.  But they want me to do something I’m not sure I’m capable of.  It’s a marketing position, and they want me to be basically the new creative mind behind marketing.  I don’t know if I can do that, because I don’t particularly care for the product.  I don’t mean that I dislike it, I just mean that I have no interest in it.  Makes me kind of nervous.

It makes me more than just nervous.  Thinking about years of them expecting me to be the brain behind new campaigns and stuff. . .I don’t know.  I pretty much don’t want to.  After the review I started thinking about my situation and how I always manage to do this to myself.  Well, it really comes down to the fact that I don’t know what I DO want to do.

I thought about it, getting more anxious and more stressed with every passing minute.  How do I prevent career catastrophe without having a plan?  I started grasping at straws, trying to think of a quick, plausible sounding solution to getting out of a situation, to getting out of this job.  I have a bad habit of doing that.  It’s as if there’s a limit to how much dislike I can have for a job, and before the limit is reached, I’ll be fine, practically happy with it.  Nearing the limit, I’ll start calling in sick, slacking worse than usual, but still telling myself that I’m happy, that it’s a GOOD JOB and that I’m lucky to have it.  And then the limit is reached, and it’s like a bomb goes off in my head, and I can see the train wreck coming but feel helpless to prevent the inevitable disaster.  Dramatic, right?

I went to lunch thinking maybe I could quit and get financial aid and go back to school full time.  Maybe I could go for psychology since many of the people I talk to on a daily basis come to me for advice.  It’s something I’m naturally good at and that would make a great career, right?  Shrinks make lots of money, right?

Ugh.  I know myself a little too well and have played this game a little too often to let that argument work.  I could quit my job, and go back to school for psychology, but then how would I pay rent?  How would I get to school, with no gas money?  Oh well I could get a part time job, I told myself, yes, yes, a part time job and I’d work and pay rent and go to school. . .

Do I really want to be that much in debt again?  No.  What if I went to school part time?!  Well then I’d have to either keep this job or find another one, AND find a school that had the degree I wanted out here in the boonies that offered night classes, or online coursework. . .sounds like a big hassle for something I know I only want to do because I’m freaking out about not wanting to work here.  And besides, is this job really that bad?  Casual dress, hour lunch break, relatively close to home, the job has a lot of perks that ALL of my previous jobs did not have.  And it’ll look good on a resume, regardless.  I still don’t want it, but I told them I was looking for something for 2-5 years while I learned what I needed to start a business.  Couldn’t that still work?

Maybe.  But I know how I am when I’m at home, I want to do nothing, sit around and play games or watch movies but basically do nothing, and there’s no guarantee that I’ll be able to get and retain customers, and working for yourself is unstable income. . .

I came up with an idea.  A more stable idea.  And it feels right.  It feels different from my usual quick fix job switch.  It involves a plan, and at least years of dedication to the plan and learning, and really trying.  God, I know I’ve said shit like this so many times, that I have an idea and I really think it’ll work this time.  Hopefully this time I’m right.  Stick to the plan.

Totally unrelated– my knitting has come to an almost halt.  The Razor Cami is obnoxious, I freaking HATE denise needles, my cables are separating from the black plastic connector tips. . .such cheap garbage.  I want to buy some knit picks options needles, but I don’t have the money yet, so the project is snoozing.  I should pick up the socks again though, no reason not to finish those.  Maybe later.

So last night I was having a fit of boredom.  I’ve been meaning to get a new book, so I went to the bookstore.  After looking around for about 20 minutes and trying to ignore the 7 year old girl in the cd section with the headphones at max singing along at the top or maybe middle of her voice, I found a paperback copy (I love paperbacks.  They’re more casual, more ME than hardcovers) of Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.  My friend Eric from upstate was the first person to suggest this book to me over 6 years ago, and I’d never gotten around to reading it.

So I bring my selection up to the counter, and there’s a young guy working, probably a few years younger than I am.  I quickly wonder if he’s going to try to strike up a conversation with me, and if he does, if it’s flirtatious or just business.  Being female does come with some built in skepticism.  Anyway, I put my book on the counter, and he says “EVERYONE is buying Ayn Rand today.  I dunno what it is!”  I told him that I’d been meaning to read the book for some time, but just now got around to picking up a copy.  He asks me if I’d read Anthem, another popular Rand novel, and I told him no.  He said that they’re both “Heavy” reading, and that though he’s never read Atlas Shrugged, he has read Anthem, and he was turned onto them by a friend of his who’s read both and “is very heavy into objectivism.”

Uh huh.  I nodded, completed my purchase, and walked out.  Now I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person, at least in so far as common sense.  But when you wander into the realm of literary intellectualism, I’m pretty wet behind the ears.  I read what entertains me, reading is a form of escapism for me mostly, so I tend to stay away from anything non-fiction, political, or otherwise boring-sounding.  :p  My point, if you’re still with me, is I had no idea what objectivism was.  The conversation ended there because I had no idea what he was talking about, and didn’t want to needlessly make myself look ignorant.  So I did what any modern 20-something would do, I came home and googled it.

Turns out, I knew what objectivism was all along, and not only that, I’m a pretty close follower.  Here’s a quote from Wikipedia (I know, not always 100% accurate, but mostly. ..):

Objectivism is a philosophy^[1][2] developed by Ayn Rand in the 20th century that encompasses positions on metaphysics, epistemology, ethics, politics, and aesthetics.^[3]

Objectivism holds that reality exists independent from consciousness; that individual persons are in contact with this reality through sensory perception; that human beings can gain objective knowledge from perception through the process of concept formation; that the proper moral purpose of one’s life is the pursuit of one’s own happiness or “rational self-interest”; that the only social system consistent with this morality is full respect for individual rights, embodied in pure, consensual laissez-faire capitalism; and that the role of art in human life is to transform man’s widest metaphysical ideas, by selective reproduction of reality, into a physical form—a work of art—that one can comprehend and respond to.

See, I thought this was just common knowledge.  Reality exists with or without you, you exist and can interact with reality through your senses, you gain knowledge about reality through your senses and thought processes, the most base purpose of life is to enjoy it, and art is your perception and reiteration of reality as you see it, or choose to reproduce it or it’s opposite to directly affect you or others by way of their sensory receptors.

I mean, duh.  There’s a book about this?

I bought it before knowing the word “objectivism”, and because what I read on the first page captivated me.  I wanted to know more about what was going on, and what was going to happen.  I’m still going to read it, but I was interested to find that institutes and societies have been drafted based on something I have always took for granted, to promote ideas and beliefs that I never questioned.  Interesting.

I’ve been trying to get rid of this shirt tan I got when at Marj’s graduation.  Saturday I went out and bought sunblock so that I could put it where the tan already WAS, and therefore tan where the tan WAS NOT while  outside.  I don’t think it’s worked too well so far.

Other things I did Saturday. . .dishes, video games, all in all it was a pretty mellow day.  Yesterday was similar, except I did laundry instead of dishes (crap, I have to finish my laundry!), and then we went to Rob’s parents house for dinner.  We were going to bbq, but it got late really quickly, and we didn’t have any lighter fluid, so at the end of the night Rob made me a pan-fried burger, and I passed out.

The burger was really good.  Actually this is more important than it sounds, because last year, the burger company that makes the frozen burgers that we usually get went out of business because they couldn’t control their E. coli contamination.  (Wow, just a totally off on a tangent comment here– bath & body works honeysuckle body butter REALLY smells like honeysuckle.  It’s pretty awesome)  We bbq pretty frequently in the summer months, even if it’s just dinner for us, and we had total faith that Topps burgers were the best frozen burgers out there.  You didn’t even have to season them, and they came out flavorful and delicious.

So it was with some trepidation that we drove to the supermarket in search of a replacement burger.  It ended up being not so bad.  The frozen burger section was pretty ransacked, considering it IS Memorial Day weekend.  But we picked up some reduced fat Bubba Burgers, 1/4 lb.  They were tasty!  In a pan!!  That means that they’re going to be even better on the grill!

Does anyone know why these are shaped like strawberries?

Today we’re grilling again, though some friends might come over.  I have some more cleaning to do (that I’m NOT looking forward to), and other than that, it’s Monday.  Tomorrow is Tuesday and I have to go back to work.  That sucks enough in and of itself, but I’m also a little bit more wary of it, since I have a dr’s appointment to go to on my lunch break tomorrow, and it’s worrying me a little bit.  I should be fine, but it might suck a little.

Finally done with this!!  Well, after I take it off the pins, I’ve got to weave in a few ends, but I’m not trying to rain on my own parade.  I probably should have woven them in first, but I don’t really care at this point.  I’ve started an Anthropologie Inspired Capelet to celebrate.  I’m really using up my stash yarn this year, it’s awesome.  I unraveled a tube top I knitted in my first year of knitting that didn’t work out, and I’m using it for the capelet.  I still have most of a cone of it left. . .and I have a sweater in mind for it.  It’s half merino half acrylic, so it’s really squishy.  I hope it doesn’t smell like the Cascade 220 smelled when I washed it.  It smelled BAD. I should invest in some wool wash.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  I’m going to Rob’s grandma’s house for dinner, and then to my mom’s house to hang out.  Should be a packed day (I’m going to be so sick, dinner, and then cookies at my mom’s, lol).  Today I have to go pick up some flowers.  I think I might get my mom some too.  And I have to start my trial run Magic Loop socks so that I can show my mom tomorrow how that works.

I’m in a pretty good mood today.  It was sunny out before, but the clouds have come in now.  It’s still a good temperature and I opened some windows to get some fresh air in the house.  I also cooked the greasiest breakfast ever, and I’m kind of regretting that.  But what can you do.

Things are in the works, I’m still broke, but trying to figure out ways to compensate.  We’ll see if any of it pans out.

The internet is down here at work which leaves me with a whole lot of nothing to do. I’m already on edge with other multiple concerns, and this lack of distraction isn’t helping.
It didn’t take the german guy here long to ask if I have a sister. Funny, that.
I’ve decided that I’ve been dwelling too much on stupid negative things in my past, and its really dumb to be sad right now, when everythings going so well. I’m going to work on it.

Normal creative people see things they like and get inspired. I see things I like, and feel guilty about not making things.

We finally got out this weekend, we went bike riding at a state park. It was a little bit more windy than I would have liked, but it was fun.

I found something else to obsess over, but I probably won’t do anything about it, it costs money, and right now, money is tight. I have ideas for stuff I want to do, but I’m having a hard time getting started. I had quiet time to paint yesterday, but I didn’t. I didn’t know what to paint, I didn’t feel like breaking everything out, and having to clean it up afterwards. I’m having thoughts about my room but I don’t know… There’s ideas I have for things I want, an when you come right down to it, its really not my house. Where if it was MY house, it wouldn’t be a question of if but when. :/

So sometimes Craig’s List is really awesome for deals.  I haven’t done but one load of laundry since I’ve moved.  The need for a washer and dryer were becoming dire.  The situation was even worse than it should have been, because I had my heart set on those awesome new washer dryer sets that you see in ads everywhere that look like a child’s drawing of rocket ships, and also because I had quit my job at the beginning of March.  My funds were limited, even though I’ve since acquired a new job (which is pretty awesome by the way.) , I haven’t yet gotten paid.  I don’t even know what my bi-monthly checks are going to look like yet.

Anyway, rather than dredge anyone reading this through my financial issues of the moment, suffice it to say that I had to settle, and quick.  I looked on Craig’s list, and found someone looking to sell their 1 year old washer dryer set for a really modest fee.  Sweet.  It took an entire evening to go pick them up, they were about an hour from our house, and we could only pick up one at a time with the cherokee.

But they’re here, and after a slight wiring debacle, they’re working, and I’ve already got some fresh-smelling clothes.  Sweet.  And I got a cute comfy laundry basket from Target. While we were there, we saw a new product. . .laundry detergent for dark clothes.  Rob picked some up, as most of his clothes are black.  I wonder if it’ll work.

In other news, my job is pretty cool.  I’m working with things I enjoy working with, graphics, text layouts, websites, projects with actual finished products that make you feel accomplished, it’s good.  I come home feeling good.  Even the people are pretty awesome, you can joke with them and stuff.  It’s nice.  Hopefully it lasts!!  This week I have a Marketing seminar to go to, during work hours.  I wonder if my business cards will arrive before then.

I’ve given up on the crosswalker socks for now.  I wanted a longer cuff, but the pattern is like the jaywalkers in that, the zig zag stitch is not very stretchy, and if you make the cuff longer, you have a hell of a time getting your foot in past the heel.  That’s the second time something’s gone wrong with this yarn/sock pattern combo, and I just decided to put it away.  I’ll come back to it later when I’m feeling more patient with the yarn.  In the meantime, I figured I’d get some stashbusting done, and use the rest of the navy Cascade 220 Heathers from my dad’s sweater on a Hemlock Ring Blanket.  The only problem is that I keep running into a problem on row 35, and can’t seem to figure out WTF is going wrong.  I’ve even joined a knitalong to try and help me figure it out.  (Note the knitalong link in the sidebar.  I wonder if this’ll start a trend, I’m usually a pretty solitary knitter.)

Sooo, I ripped it out for the second time yesterday, and reknit the whole thing, only this time I put in a lifeline on row 26, before the leaf separation begins.  I was chugging along, knitting the pattern, and BAM!!  hit the same problem at row 35.  For the third time.  I did get some hopefully helpful insights from some people on the knitalong, so I’m going to try again today.

I have to admit, this problem is making me pretty crazy.  For me, there’s nothing like a little lace not working out properly to make me feel like a complete imbecile.  Especially when seemingly everyone else in the knitting world has no problems with it, or at least, not where you’re having problems.

Damn I’m craving some bacon or corned beef hash or something.  That’s slightly weird.

Anyway, I’m going to try again today.  I’m pretty much stuck at home anyway, between the laundry, and the fact that this guy is supposed to be calling me to come out and see my RX-7.  I still really don’t want to sell it, but it’s not worth the effort to fix, when I can get another one with power windows and locks for pretty cheap.  Hell, I might even get a different generation eventually (but the 1st gens will always have my heart, seriously, I think to me, these are one of the hottest cars in existence.)

I know this is running really long, but it’s MY blog, and I don’t think anyone really reads it anyway, so screw it, I was looking for old friends from middle school on Myspace last night.  While doing that, I found a friend from high school who I’d been in contact with last year, but then we lost touch.  She’s back on long island now, and she’s a spinner!!  I’m trying to not get my hopes up, but I miss having people to hang out with, and stuff.  We’ll see if anything comes of it.

Waiting for the warm weather to STAY, I want to get some use out of those rollerskates!!