Jeans and Sneakers

It is the wee hours of September 6th.  I am 28 years old.  There has been much to be happy about recently.  Our wedding.  Being in Barbados. Being back home and having the lower level completed. My birthday.

But Rob’s grandma passed away last week. And again, just like when my grandmother died, I am confronted with death.

Death and I don’t get along very well. One might say it scares the living shit out of me, full pun intended. Aside from grieving the loss of Mary Melito, there is something else pulling at the corners of my mind.  Making every second of every day tainted with a morbid hue.  It’s as if all of the enjoyment there was in my life has been desaturated, leaving only a faint trace of the feeling that any endeavor is worth the effort.

I do not want to feel this way after having just been married.  Rob is worried about me, I can tell, and he’s constantly asking me if I’m alright.  But what can I tell him? He knows I’m scared of death, I’ve told him so myself, and he’s seen the fringes of my death-related anxiety.  He never wants to talk about it because he claims that the thought frightens him as well. I find it hard to believe that anything frightens my husband.  But not impossible to believe.

It’s not actually just like it was before.  I have a lot more in my life now.  I have a husband, I have a house, a chinchilla, I’m going to school to try and get a better job, and I’m trying to seriously figure out what to do with my life.  This is exponentially harder when you don’t see the use in anything.

One of Rob’s friends is engaged to a person who is possibly the only clinically depressed person I’ve known.  I spoke with her at some length the other day, and while much of what she was saying far overshadowed anything I’ve ever felt, some aspects of what she told me rang true. I’m probably depressed.

My husband and I, surviving through all of the photos.

We made it home, after an amazing time in Barbados which, after the wedding and hanging out with people, it did not take long to realize that we planned a REALLY long vacation/honeymoon.

We’re homebodies.  For us to be away from the house for 9 days. . .with limited internet access. . . was interesting to say the least.  I read 3 books.  Rob read 2. We went to the beach a LOT. We ate food.  We saved a crab from our private plunge pool and we tried to catch a teeny frog.

Anyway, we’re home now, and there’s much to be excited about! The lower level of our house is mostly complete!  We had the carpet installed yesterday, and last night Rob set up his amazing 7.2 speaker/home theater system.  We inaugurated the event by watching The Dark Knight, and it was awesome!  So much better than going to the movies, on so many levels. (I can have a blanket if I get too cold, our seats recline fully, there are no annoying people getting up or talking through the show, and if we wanted. . .we could watch movies naked! WIN!)

I love our new set up, but it has become obvious, as I knew it would, that there is no place in the house (not even my room) where I can “escape to” if Rob feels like listening to music really loud on his system. Which he frequently does when he’s got a system worth blasting.  Which is DEFINITELY the case now.

I’ll be starting school in September, (and I just saved like $400 on books! WORD! Thanks Ebay!) and school means homework and studying.  Now I’m not saying that Rob is so unsympathetic as to blast music when I have to study.  If I ever asked him, he would undoubtedly turn his music down.  My problem is, I look at it like this: Why should Rob have to turn down his music when he wants to listen to it loudly just because I have to study? I think I might be spending some time at the library this semester.  Also, I’m pretty sure I need to get a more traditional “job”.

I’m really not happy about the job situation, but it comes down to this.  Weddings, even ones that are planned with every best intention to be as cheap as possible, are expensive.  My bills still come in every month, I owe people money for some of the wedding planning, and I need a steady source of capital to pay it back.

I wonder what kind of job I can get with my school schedule that will be worth doing.  I have at least two days of the week where I have class in the morning, and then the other days I have class at night.  So I can’t get a full time day job, or a full time night job either.  Which brings me to part time, which also makes me sad.  Most part time jobs don’t pay very much.  :/

While in Barbados, all of the boredom free time gave me a chance to stop and sort of take stock in my life, my current situation, and things of that nature. And what I found was sort of worrisome.  I’m not sure if computing is still a field I want to work in.  I mean, I still have interests in programming and such, but the more I think about the likelihood of me finding a job in a related field that I’ll enjoy and that pays me what I want to be paid. . .I dunno.  I mean, that was part of my whole reasoning for going back to school, was to try and get into a field I enjoy and to make more money than a secretary’s salary. I haven’t made any life changing decisions, I’m going to continue going to school, but I am thinking about it now, with a mind open to how well I adjust to my upcoming classes.  I don’t know, we’ll see. I miss doing crafty things. :[

I also really want to write.  I’ve been watching episodes of The Vlog Brothers on YouTube, and with all the talk about John Green’s book Paper Towns (I know I haven’t caught up yet), and having read 3 books in the past week, I really want to try writing a book.  I already had plans to actually participate in NaNoWriMo this year. But something else in me wants to write a book NOW, not wait until November.  The obvious problem with this urge is of course, the lack of book idea. Hopefully I can come up with something and start writing.

I also have a slight urge to start up a YouTube channel.  I’ve had a really fun idea for a few years now, and I think that I could turn it into something awesome. . .if I get motivated enough to actually do it.

And that’s all for my rambling update for now.  I have not been knitting.  A fact that I hope to remedy soon.

I’m a procrastinator by nature. Sometimes, when the sun is perfectly aligned with my emotional state, I get the urge to get up and start doing something. Yesterday was our 5&9 monthiversary. We went out to dinner and that was pretty normal. But when we got home, I was browsing around on the internet, but instead of falling into the black hole of time like I usually do, everything I saw was making me antsy. I wanted to DO things. I wanted to make something, lots of things. I wanted to get moving.

It started with getting things for the wedding. There were a few odds and ends that I hadn’t gotten yet. Like plugs for my ears, since I can’t get just regular earrings. A nose ring. Garters. A bra. I went on theknot.com to see if there was anything else I was forgetting. I had registered there, and there was a countdown until my wedding!! 91 days left!! Once all of these things were taken care of, I still itched to do something. I decided it was time to rearrange my craft room. It’s hard to be creative in a space you’re not comfortable in. After doing all I possibly could there, it was morning, so Rob and I got breakfast, and then went to sleep.

Waking up though the feeling was back. I decided to finally go running. I know even though I’m thin, I’m grossly out of shape, and it’s something I want to remedy before the wedding. Maybe being in better shape will help my digestive system, since apparently it doesn’t like digesting anything I eat anymore. I walked down to our local little beach at the fastest pace I could manage without looking like one of those weird speed walkers. I was feeling good, my calves were starting to burn with that “I’m working out” feeling. Good deal. When I reached the beach I told myself, “Ok self, we’re starting out small. See if you can run all the way back to the house.” I was so confident. I thought that I’d at least make it half to 3/4 of the way back to the house before not being able to run anymore. I was wrong. Running felt awkward, my feet didn’t know if they wanted to land flat or on the balls. My back hurt, and within probably 45 seconds I had lost control of my breathing and my throat was beginning to get raw. Awesome. I stopped running, but kept walking, to keep up the movement. I needed two more breaks before I made it back to the house. Pathetic.

I got home and got some water. So disappointed in myself I figured I should do some pushups too, get an overall body goodness thing going. I couldn’t do ONE real pushup. I had problems doing 10 “girly” pushups. I suck. The only comfort came in knowing I can do at least 50 situps. Which I did. I am so, so, so pathetic. I need to keep this up. Running, pushups, situps, every day. And maybe some jump rope for endurance help. This needs to go away, I need to be in better shape.  Grr. This will change.

I’ve really started moving on Atlas Shrugged.  I’ve got less than a quarter of the book left to go.  I’m dying to know what happens at the end, but I will not skip foreward.

Work has been odd lately, odd hours, odd tasks here and there, but then again, the ultimate deadline for this job is coming up so, I can understand that.  They’ve started over a few times though and I’m not sure any of my actual code made it through.  We’ll see in the end.  :/

School feels like I’m running to catch up.  Weeks are flying by and before I know it there’s more homework to do and it’s due too soon.  At least it’s mostly reading.  I just never feel caught up, even if I am.  The whole stolen moments thing for reading or knitting, or watching a movie, that’s happening again.  And it’s worse now because of the new musical.  I don’t have rehearsal often, but there’s definitely time that I could be doing something else, that is now going to rehearsal.

I bought a treadmill and haven’t used it yet.  I think part of me is scared of how quickly I’ll tire out, and the other part of me is just really busy or has other things that come first.

I feel kind of disconnected from some things, like my parents, there’s something odd going on with them, and it’s hard to stand by and watch it, but there’s not really much I can do.  :/

Now that everyone got theirs, I can post about it:

Wedding Invitations

I made these to send out to the few people we’re inviting to our destination wedding, previously an elopement, but now we’re inviting immediate family.  I wanted something different and crafty, I saw someone else had made these on Etsy so I copied her, and voila, the invitations were born.

They came out pretty good too.  Everyone loved them and my mom even thought they came from the hotel where we’re having the wedding.  We invited a total of 14 people, and so far my family and Rob’s parents are definite.  Though there may be some issue with my dad (hopefully not).

I’ve been on a retarded sleep schedule that’s been making everything difficult.  Work is flexible, so that’s good, but it’s also bad, because if I’m the only person awake at 4am working, and I need help with something. . .I’m SOL.  I keep trying to fix it, but recently I haven’t even been fully waking up when I shut off my alarm clock, so it’s kind of hard to force myself to wake up early.

School is going. . .midterms are coming up already.  I still haven’t heard back from fafsa about next semester.  I hope I get more than I got this year.

It’s time for Cinderella too.  I already had to cancel my first rehearsal. . . I think I’m scheduled to go in on Sunday.  This will be interesting.

I bought a wedding dress but it didn’t fit. . .so I sent it back and I’m waiting for an exchange.  I have a feeling though that this other dress they’re going to send me will be sort of cheap.  I might just end up going to Nordstrom and getting a dress they have for a reasonable price.  Who knows.  I have time though, so that’s good at least.

I feel so scatterbrained.  I started a new knitting project just to give me something to look forward to. . . I don’t think it’s actually working out that way, it’s more like I just feel guilty for not giving it more time.  Anyway, it’s a Darkside Cowl, made from the last of my pigeon colored Malabrigo.  I’ll try to take pics if I’m ever awake during good daylight.

I bought a treadmill off Craig’s List!!  I need to get some lubricant for it, and then I can start (hopefully) using it daily.  I want to get more toned and less bleh before the wedding.  MoAr Cardio!  My endurance for anything, including but not limited to climbing a flight of stairs, is ridiculous.  I can hardly get up a flight without getting winded.  And if I *DO* do any physical activity, I’m sore for two to three days afterwards.  This is crazy, I need to fix it.

The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain.  The rain on long island falls mainly all over the place.  In copious amounts.  I woke up today feeling pretty bleh.  Yesterday I went to sleep at like 6pm and slept for 12 hours.  That sucks.  I didn’t get to do anything I wanted to do after work.

My trip to the eye doctor was unfruitful, mainly because he referred me to an eye specialist, and I have an appointment with them today at 1.  They’re going to dialate my pupils and stuff.  I hope I get those disposable sunglass things!!

Learning, learning, learning.  Starting new things is rough sometimes because you know so little that it feels like you know nothing.  Definitely an ego-blow.

So for the past couple of months, I’ve been getting more and more disheartened with my 9-5.  Scanning the popular sites is something I’ve become accustomed to. . .but lately there’s a huge difference.  The state of our economy is no joke.  For me, it shows most prominently in one area: the job boards.  It seems that lately, companies are asking for ridiculous things, and getting them.  Jobs that previously paid between $30-40k are now looking to pay $20-30k.  I’m guessing things are so dire, that people who are getting laid off are accepting these underpaid positions, just to have SOME money coming in.

I may be crazy, but this situation is unacceptable to me.  In the past, when faced with an unacceptable situation, I’d walk away from it.  How do you walk away from the job market?  By not accepting other people’s rules.  To some degree at least.  I’ve been talking for years about working for myself, and obviously, to this day, I’ve done nothing to make that idea become a reality.  I put up a website for a product I don’t want to sell, didn’t advertise it in the hopes of not having to sell anything, and accepted my “failure” as something that just wasn’t meant to pan out.

Why do we do these things to ourselves?  I’m sure I’m not the only one who dreams of something, makes some pathetic half attempt at it, and then accepts that it’s not to be.  Are we THAT afraid of change, THAT afraid of taking a risk that we’d really rather be miserable and convince ourselves that we “really tried”?  Jesus.  WTF am I thinking?

I have a plan.  Yeah, yeah, most of my plans are like quick fixes to assauge my mind, to keep from panicking, and then it’s just business as usual.  But I made it back into school, so maybe my planning isn’t all bullshit.  And this plan has STEPS!!

Right now, my schedule is pretty frigging hectic.  Work, class, rehearsal, homework, regular home stuff, and my awesome fiance, and I’m out of time.  I’ve even cancelled my lunchtime carnaps so that I can do my journaling homework for ENG 103.  And of course, to try and blog more often.  So looking at my very current situation, I was getting frustrated in my job and thinking inside the box, the only solution I could see was to get another job.  Ugh.

But with the job boards being all but deserted, or even worse, looking for fools, my situation looked pretty helpless.  But today, I read some stuff and I think I’ve just reached the last straw.  Why am I not living my life to the fullest, why am I allowing myself to be miserable?  I want to work for myself, why aren’t I?

Ok, ok, my plan.  My plan is this:

a) Get through the musical and make sure to ace all of my classes.  School is worth bubkis if you fail out.  Also, make sure to rock the eff out of this playbill job for Drama Society.  It’s another thing for portfolio.

b) Come winterim, make websites.  Make a new wordpress theme for THIS blog, revamp tot, and put stuff up on those other domains I’ve got kicking around.  Call people you spoke to about possibly doing their websites, get more sites designed and up. Learn, learn, learn, learn, learn.

c) When sites are ready, particularly the portfolio site, classes will probably be in session again, DO NOT JOIN MUSICAL, start branching out and looking for more web work.  Ask friends to ask friends if they need anything done.  Get things moving all around.  Learn, learn, learn, learn, learn.

d) Bust ass.  Seriously.  Bust ass and try to get as much work as possible, scan craig’s list and anything else you possibly can to get more stuff going.  Update portfolio, network, work, Learn, learn, learn, learn, learn.

I know, the end steps there aren’t too formulated, but how can they be when I’m not there yet?  I’ve got plans until the end of 08, beginning of 09, and then I’ll have to look at what I’ve got and reformulate what I’m going to do next.  One step at a time.

I read an article today that said that a six-figure income breaks down to earning $50/hr.  Sounds like a lot, but, $50/hr is $2000/wk.  Break that up into projects, rather than hours, and I think it’s possible.  And while I don’t NEED a six figure income, just about double what I’m making (now you know it’s less than $50k a year, yeah, I don’t make much), and that’s way  more than possible if I really work at it.  So.  Step 1, make it through this semester.  Step 2, build sites during winterim.  Learn.  Call.  I can do these things, just have to take them steps at a time, and remember that I’m working towards a goal here.  An attainable goal, not something outlandish, not something that is unrealistic.  I can do this.

I’ve got some time to kill before going to sleep, I figured I’d write a little bit.  Things have been so busy lately that I’ve felt like I need to force myself to take moments to relax.  The only thing is, even the relax time feels rushed or stolen, I can’t seem to de-stress.

I’ve been drinking coffee this week also, and I believe that it affects my sleep patterns. . .whenever I drink it, my sleep that night is not restful.  Today I had tea, I’m hoping that I get good sleep.

Tomorrow I have musical rehearsal after work.  I really can’t wait for it to be over.  That sounds so weird coming from me, I looked forward to it so much, but it’s just too much for me to do right now.

Work has been very stressful, I feel like every other minute I’m snapping at someone.  There is so much stupidity and wastefulness going on there, it’s very hard not to get frustrated.  Very hard.

I haven’t had any time to knit, or even properly set up this macbook (I finally got it!!), every time I sit down with it I can’t remember what it was I wanted to do.  Forgetfulness.  Ugh.

I guess I’ll conk out now.  Just felt like writing.  :]

Holy crap.  Today while browsing the web, I came across Just Bento’s Homemade furikake recipe, and I thought, “hmm, I could probably make that.”  Gomashio, or sesame salt furikake is one of my favorite kinds of rice seasoning, and the last time I bought a container of it (around $3 and change) it was gone in a few days.  But I remembered that I had some sesame seeds from the baking section of my supermarket (a much bigger container, for a lot cheaper), that I had planned on using for some kind of bread tastiness.  Rock.  I came home and decided to play in the kitchen.

Also while browsing the web, I came across this recipe which includes a “sweet egg onigiri”, which sounded interesting to me.  So I tried that out also.  I can’t tell you how it is until I eat it though.

But oh man.  OH MAN.  I am NEVER buying gomashio furikake ever again.  EVER.  The recipe was simple, and the result is DELICIOUS.  I had some left over rice from dinner and my egg onigiri, so I made some little gomashio rice balls and put them in the freezer.  My first bento lunch stash item!!  I will never throw away seemingly useless amounts of leftover rice again either.

I also packed a full lunch bento with the leftover dinner I didn’t eat.  I’m set for the rest of the week, since Rob’s taking me out to lunch on my bday.

Tomorrow’s my first day of SCHOOL!!!  So nervous, but it shouldn’t be a big deal, because it’s only this one class this week.  It’s not even for a grade, it’s pass/fail.  Right on.  I got everything straight with the school offices (I hope!), and I’m all set to go.  I even bought all of my books already.

ANNNNDDDDD. . .my school is putting on Thorougly Modern Millie.  HOLY CRAP.  I’m going to audition.  I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it because of my schedule, but I emailed them and they said that it shouldn’t be a problem.  My audition day is Rob’s birthday, and he’s going to come be my own personal support group (he’s awesome like that), and then I’m going to cook him dinner.  :]

And just one last little side note here. . . .store bought waxing home kits. . .don’t work so well for me.  :[

I had my 90 day review today.  It went pretty well, actually.  Well, they’re happy with me at least, with the work I’ve been doing for them and the efficiency of which I’ve done it.  But they want me to do something I’m not sure I’m capable of.  It’s a marketing position, and they want me to be basically the new creative mind behind marketing.  I don’t know if I can do that, because I don’t particularly care for the product.  I don’t mean that I dislike it, I just mean that I have no interest in it.  Makes me kind of nervous.

It makes me more than just nervous.  Thinking about years of them expecting me to be the brain behind new campaigns and stuff. . .I don’t know.  I pretty much don’t want to.  After the review I started thinking about my situation and how I always manage to do this to myself.  Well, it really comes down to the fact that I don’t know what I DO want to do.

I thought about it, getting more anxious and more stressed with every passing minute.  How do I prevent career catastrophe without having a plan?  I started grasping at straws, trying to think of a quick, plausible sounding solution to getting out of a situation, to getting out of this job.  I have a bad habit of doing that.  It’s as if there’s a limit to how much dislike I can have for a job, and before the limit is reached, I’ll be fine, practically happy with it.  Nearing the limit, I’ll start calling in sick, slacking worse than usual, but still telling myself that I’m happy, that it’s a GOOD JOB and that I’m lucky to have it.  And then the limit is reached, and it’s like a bomb goes off in my head, and I can see the train wreck coming but feel helpless to prevent the inevitable disaster.  Dramatic, right?

I went to lunch thinking maybe I could quit and get financial aid and go back to school full time.  Maybe I could go for psychology since many of the people I talk to on a daily basis come to me for advice.  It’s something I’m naturally good at and that would make a great career, right?  Shrinks make lots of money, right?

Ugh.  I know myself a little too well and have played this game a little too often to let that argument work.  I could quit my job, and go back to school for psychology, but then how would I pay rent?  How would I get to school, with no gas money?  Oh well I could get a part time job, I told myself, yes, yes, a part time job and I’d work and pay rent and go to school. . .

Do I really want to be that much in debt again?  No.  What if I went to school part time?!  Well then I’d have to either keep this job or find another one, AND find a school that had the degree I wanted out here in the boonies that offered night classes, or online coursework. . .sounds like a big hassle for something I know I only want to do because I’m freaking out about not wanting to work here.  And besides, is this job really that bad?  Casual dress, hour lunch break, relatively close to home, the job has a lot of perks that ALL of my previous jobs did not have.  And it’ll look good on a resume, regardless.  I still don’t want it, but I told them I was looking for something for 2-5 years while I learned what I needed to start a business.  Couldn’t that still work?

Maybe.  But I know how I am when I’m at home, I want to do nothing, sit around and play games or watch movies but basically do nothing, and there’s no guarantee that I’ll be able to get and retain customers, and working for yourself is unstable income. . .

I came up with an idea.  A more stable idea.  And it feels right.  It feels different from my usual quick fix job switch.  It involves a plan, and at least years of dedication to the plan and learning, and really trying.  God, I know I’ve said shit like this so many times, that I have an idea and I really think it’ll work this time.  Hopefully this time I’m right.  Stick to the plan.

Totally unrelated– my knitting has come to an almost halt.  The Razor Cami is obnoxious, I freaking HATE denise needles, my cables are separating from the black plastic connector tips. . .such cheap garbage.  I want to buy some knit picks options needles, but I don’t have the money yet, so the project is snoozing.  I should pick up the socks again though, no reason not to finish those.  Maybe later.