Jeans and Sneakers

This is the post where I spill the beans.

Last night I had a dream that I was in my grandma’s old apartment, and I was there with my mom and my dad, but I wanted to leave, and for some reason my mom didn’t want me to.  The situation escalated from an argument into a physical fight, and I was frightened for my life, and worried that I would never be able to leave the apartment.  The only way I got away was because I went to punch my mom in the face in defense, and I was wearing my $7 cz ring, and it cut her face.  She went to the bathroom to examine the damage, and while she was in there, I gathered my things and left, all the while yelling at my dad cause he didn’t help me at all the whole time, he just sat there reading the newspaper.

I’m pretty sure that my dream last night had to do with actual events last night.  My mom came over with my brothers to do laundry.  I had a decision to make.  I could either try to censor myself and make sure I didn’t tell my mom what’s been going on in my life recently, or I could just tell her, and watch her get excited for me.  We’re buying a house.  This house:

I was both hesitant and excited to tell her about it.  Part of me knew that she’d react the way she did, but I was hoping that she’d be a little bit more adult, and be happy for her youngest daughter.  Whatever.  I told her, and though the words are pretty much what I expected, ie: “oh, that’s great!  What a great deal!  I’m so happy for you guys!”, it was apparent that she was jealous, bitter, and angry.  She tried to hide it but not very well, and it’s really making me mad.  So much so that I had that awful nightmare about it.

I even tried to tell her the benefits of it for her, how we’ll be that much closer to her, and I told her I’d invite her over and we could hang out and stuff, and she just kind of laughed at the idea.  All I could think of the whole time was the ugly stepsisters and stepmother in Cinderella.  They just couldn’t be happy for her, because all they could do was think about themselves.

I had to put it out of my head.  All I could do was tell myself that it wasn’t my fault she’s in the situation she’s in, and isn’t currently a homeowner herself, or not currently in a relationship with someone that makes her able to buy a house, cause I’m sure as hell not doing this alone, and without Rob and his parents, this wouldn’t even be happening.  But it makes me angry still that she’s acting this way.  I don’t think I’ll give her the address for some time.  That might sound just as childish, but honestly, I just don’t want to deal with her if she’s just going to act that way.  Even Rob picked up on it.  :[

I also had to cancel my voice lessons.  The guy who I was taking lessons from was a total douchebag.  I'm not going to go into all of the details, but they're done.  I'm not going back.

In better news, I learned how to cable.  Pidgeon Forecast is coming along nicely:

I had to rip it back to the end of the collar twice.  The first time I was watching a movie and messed up because I hadn't paid close enough attention, and the second time, I was following directly a cable pattern from a pattern book I have, but it made the cable look bad, and it was upside down from how I wanted it.  So I ripped back again, and figured out how to make the cable look like I want, and now it's going along.  I'm worried I'll stop making progress on it this coming week, because that's when a video game expansion that I pre-ordered comes out, and I know I'll be playing a lot.  I'll have to learn to divide my time so I get to do both.  I wonder if that's even possible.

I've been completely neglecting my jaywalkers.  I'm a little bit bored with the pattern, but hopefully, starting this sweater will reinvigorate my knitting cravings.  It already seems to have, but I'd much rather work on the sweater than the sock.  I'll probably start bringing in the sock to work on at lunch again.  That was working out well.

Work has been good, but my boss has been in India for the past week, so I haven't had to make her tea, or make any for any meetings or anything.  She comes back sometime this week.  Hopefully I can not tweak out too much when she does.

Now that I've spilled the beans about the house, let me elaborate a little.  We're getting it for a great deal, because the lower level isn't going to be completed.  No, it's not a basement.  There is no basement.  The bottom floor, which is completely above ground, will not be completed.  It will need electricity run to outlets and light switches, sheetrock, spackle, trim, flooring, and paint.  Luckily we have a carpenter friend who owes Rob a few favors.  We will be able to set up the bottom floor exactly how we want it, which is nice.  The upper level, the main living area, where all the bedrooms, bathrooms, living room, and kitchen are, will all be completed.  We're going today to pick out the carpet and the linolium for the kitchen floor.  We're waiting for the mortgage to come through, and then we'll go to closing, and we'll be able to move in.  Probably won't happen until January.  I'm excited.  It has a fireplace and a skylight, and two full bathrooms.  I'm going to have to buy appliances and furniture.  Decorate.  What an adventure.  :]

But that’s why I’ve been stressing for the last little while, and that’s why I’ll be broke for the next year or so, if not longer.  At least it’s for a good cause.  It’s got a 2 car garage.  I’ll be able to garage my car in the winter.  :]

It seems like there’s so much going on, but there really isn’t.  There are some things in the works, but in so far as day to day, hour to hour, things happening, there really isn’t.  Mostly it’s waiting.  And anticipating.  Worrying.

I’ve been to two voice lessons so far, and today is my third.  I think this guy knows what he’s doing for the most part, but he tends to go off track during the lesson, (it’s supposed to last 30 mins, but I’m there for an hour) and get chatty, which is nice sometimes, but at the same time, it’s a weeknight, and part of me just wants to get home.  I paid for 5 lessons in bulk, of which tonights will be #2, but I’m not sure if I’m going to keep going after this.  For multiple reasons, but we’ll see.

I stayed home today,  not feeling well.  They didn’t seem angry about it when I called and emailed in.  Last time I had to call in, I left a voicemail on the executive assistant’s cell phone, I was trying to get her in person, but it didn’t work, I left a voicemail, and she didn’t get it until 3 days later.  So she called me about 30 mins after I would have been there had I not called in, asking if I was coming in.  I didn’t know she didn’t get my voicemail and kind of half explained how tired I was from traveling, it was kind of a mess.  When she got the voicemail though, things straightened out, so that’s ok.  She got my email this morning at least.

I’ve been having strange dreams.  Last night I dreamt that I had gotten pregnant, and that I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep it or not, and everyone in my family was telling me something different, and then there was this art gallery party with really tall gallery walls, and Vinny was there on a cherry picker being loud, and it was just all around a weird scene.  The other night I talked in my sleep and started laughing, and when Rob asked me what I was laughing at I said “pants”.  He said “those must have been some pretty funny pants” and I said “they were, uhhhh. . . . .Gorilla Legs!”

I’ve been thinking about money, and how I could be making more of it at an actual job that had actual job responsibilities that didn’t include watering plants and making tea.  I guess I’m getting pretty frustrated with it.  Sometimes it’s not so bad,  but a lot of the time I’m just sitting there wishing for a real job with job functions so the time wouldn’t crawl.  And then in that bad mood, I get pissed when they ask me to make tea or go out to get the boss breakfast.

I dunno.  The art thing has slowed down, I haven’t been drawing or painting every day, but I think that’s a side effect of feeling this rushed feeling, like I don’t have time to do things I enjoy because I’m too busy worrying.  I dunno, I’m just an idiot.

Well.  I just woke up and I had the strangest dream.  It was the sort that was kind of all over the place.  I don’t remember how it started, but I ended up at someone’s house and got talked into playing Warcraft, except there were no computers about, in my dream, Warcraft was a paper and dice game, and you had to sit on these throne chairs that doubled as potties, (you know, so that you wouldn’t have to get up to excuse yourself when you were gaming, creepy, I know).  Well I started playing and this girl who used to be my best friend in Jr. High showed up.  I stopped talking to her in Jr High, but in my dream I was trying to be nice to her, (god only  knows why).  I gave up my throne toilet (lol) to her, but wanted to show her the utmost courtesy so I washed out the pot first.  But I had a hell of a time in the bathroom figuring out which light switches belonged to which. The person who’s house it was (whom I don’t know in real life) came into the bathroom (good thing I wasn’t going potty) to help me.
After that, I left, with the purpose of going to my dad’s office building for a visit.  I think I did visit him, but I don’t remember what happened if I made it there.  The next thing I remember is leaving, going down in this shoddy, old elevator and pressing the wrong button.  Rather than going to the lobby to take public transportation in the form of a bus, I ended up underground in some sort of train station.  I couldn’t find my way back up to the lobby though, and I thought, well maybe I could just take the train home.  I walked around for a little while, and I was holding a pillow in a plastic bag.  Some scraggly looking guy who vaguely resembled Ed Harris walked near me and asked me if he could have my plastic bag.  I told him sure, cause it was just a pillow inside, and I could carry that without the bag, and then he held up a piece of cardboard that said something about how he was a thief and had some kind of threat on it.  He looked at me as though he knew that I wouldn’t be so foolish as to scream, but I did, and at the top of my lungs.

While I screamed HELP, he ran over to some guy who was clerking a jewelery kiosk, and it was obvious that they worked together.  A cop came running up and was about to apprehend the Ed Harris guy, but not the jewelery guy, so I told the cop they were working together, and then I was able to make my escape.

That’s pretty much when I woke up.  The train station was futuristic looking, but kind of like the hooker town in Total Recall.

Man I have to stop eating McDonald’s Cheeseburgers right before I go to sleep.

My cousin Jon is back from Cali for a few weeks, so we might hang out (with his bro and my sis) today and tomorrow.  It’s definitely on for tomorrow, and I think Rob is coming for any city festivities, which should be fun, but I’m not yet sure if they’re coming out today.  I’m going to clean the house a little bit anyway, the box room (read: the living room) has no visible floor left except where you walk through to the kitchen when coming in through the front door.  It’s time to remedy that.

I’m getting my hair cut today by some SuperCuts advanced students, so hopefully I won’t look like a tard when I come back.   I was thinking about getting bangs, but I’m not sure, as yesterday I was driving around with my windows down, and my hair was constantly blowing into my eyes, and that’s just the broken hairs, because I don’t have any bangs at the moment.  My hair is very fly-away.  :[

And last but certainly not least, Rob has beaten my carb.  My car runs so smoothly, it’s amazing.  Love driving it now.

It’s Friday, I’ve got a somewhat busy weekend ahead of me, and on Monday I start my new job.  I’m kind of nervous, but at the same time, I’m not.

That’s a good thing, because I hate having bad ones. Last night I had a dream that I was younger, maybe between 14 and 16. I was still living at home, but I knew some kids that I actually don’t know in real life. We were trying to save the world somehow, and I went with this one kid to this girls house who I didn’t like, but we needed her help because she had just gotten her drivers license and a car. The car was a HUGE BOAT of a thing, like a 60’s Thunderbird or something. It had been white once, but had rusted in speckles all over the body of the car so as to make it look gold from far away. The girl was small, pale, with bright red hair with unruly thick waves. She had freckles, and was terrified of driving that car.

I don’t remember what happened next, and where my memory picks up, I was in my grandmothers house, only it wasn’t really my grandmothers house. My dad and all of my uncles on his side of the family were there trying to “protect me”. I had to go somewhere with the kid from the first part of the dream, the next part of the journey to save the world, but my dad didn’t want to let me go with him, because he was being exactly like I was when I was that age, extremely overprotective. He could see that I had feelings for the kid, and didn’t want me to do anything with him. His brothers (my uncles) were all helping him prevent me from doing what had to be done.

I don’t remember how we did it, but somewhere after me pretending to be deathly ill, and failing to meet up with said kid in my grandmother’s house (which is a 3 story brownstone in brooklyn, so it’s pretty big and not so easy to navagate with 6 or 7 grownups trying to prevent you,) we had convinced my dad to help us, and he was driving us where we had to go. We were bursting with love and although the kid was sitting in the back, and me in the passenger seat, we couldn’t help but hold hands and try to hide it from my dad. He saw it anyway, but knew he couldn’t stop it.

The whole dream kind of made me feel like I was playing out the part of Lyra, the girl in “His Dark Materials”. Except, the story line I went through didn’t correspond at all with what they did in the books. Anyway, it was an exciting and adventurous dream, and I was sad to wake up. Kind of like reading a really good book, and then finishing it.

I told myself I was going to knit all weekend, and make some headway on my dad’s sweater. The main problem with me and getting things done is that once something I enjoy becomes something that I “HAVE” to do, I don’t really want to do it anymore. I want to do everything but. Maybe I’ll finish the panel I’m on today, and hopefully this week I can get some of the other panel done. I’ve got less than a month left, and I’ve run out of excuses.

We saw the new James Bond yesterday, Casino Royale. . . holy crap, best Bond movie ever. I used to hate the 007 movies, thinking them sexist and all of that. But this movie was very entertaining and the only real qualm I had with it was that the first car you see Bond driving is a Ford. After that, every car he gets into in the movie is more Bond-esque, an Aston Martin, a Rolls Royce, etc., but that Ford really bothered me. He was also in a Range Rover, but it wasn’t his rental. . .I don’t want to give the movie away. The women in the movie. . .were weird. The first one was not as glamorous and stunning as she was meant to be. The main woman of the movie was much better, but they kept putting too much make up on her. . .damn, I’d love to be a director. . .anyway, if you haven’t seen it, go see it, it’s a very entertaining flick. And there’s a whole parkour scene in the beginning!

I’ve been thinking about the whole working situation and what exactly I’m going to do after I pay off my bills. Because, I’ve talked about starting a business for so long, it’s like I never really expected my debt to be paid off. (Can you blame me? I grew up in a family in debt, and they’re still in debt, I guess I just thought that it would never REALLY go away.) So, now with less than $3k to go, my goal is in sight, and I’m kind of spooked. I can talk about starting a business until my face is blue, but now, the possibility is REAL, and if I want to succeed, I need to take action. I just have NO IDEA what I’m supposed to do. No wonder people are staying in school longer these days. It’s like stalling time. Extensions until action absolutely HAS to be taken.

I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want to needlessly go back into debt. :/ And I don’t want to be an office girl this time next year. So it’s time to put some serious thought into what actions need to be taken to get myself moving forward. Maybe I should take a shower.

Edit: Things I forgot to mention:

• I don’t think I mentioned that my clothes from Alloy finally came, and I’m pissed because there’s one pair of pants that fit me awesome, and I don’t want to order another pair because I hate the company.
• I finished the other practice sock, and wore them twice already! I had to wash them in Woolite, and that was new for me.
• The girl from livejournal who came to NY this weekend totally flaked on me. Whatever.
• Next Saturday Rob and I will be joining Bay in the city for some xmas shopping at the park fairs, some hot chocolate, and some Spice.
• I cut my hair a litto! I only cut off maybe 3.5 inches, but damn, it makes so much difference. It’s way more manageable and not as ratty. I might cut myself some bangs in the near future, but I’m not sure yet. I’ll try to post some pics soon!
• Since about Thursday I was considering buying a blackberry.  Yesterday while trying to get some stuff done, I actually held the model version in the store, and was disappointed.  They make it look so much cooler on the internet.  I guess I’ll have to wait to see if Tmobile’s service gets any better, and then reconsider a sk3. . .again.

I wanted to say thanks to Scribe and Shirah for the comments on yesterday’s post.  I really felt like crap, and part of it drifted over to today.  Blah.  Scribe, we should totally hang out sometime soon.  I think I remember you saying you liked indian food.  Do you know of any places on long island that make Dosas?  I’ve been craving one hardcore.

Today I got my Bryspuns in the mail.  Did I mention I ordered a pair to try one last time (maybe not *last* time, but you know) with the stupid Birch Shawl that’s kicking my ass?  Well, if I didn’t, there you have it, I ordered some.  So now I have no excuse for not working on the shawl. . .from the start. . .again.  Well, maybe just one teeny excuse.  I’m worried because I only got 10″ needles, which I know will be fine when I get down in the decreases, but I’m concerned about 299 stitches on 10″ needles. . .even if it is silk and mohair.

I’ve also been doing a row here and there on the Jaywalkers. . .and the first sock isn’t done yet.  I’ve got about two inches of foot before I can start (and finish) the toe.  It’s going slow because I keep putting them down.  I’ll literally do between 2-6 rows a day.  I’m going to try to bang more out today.  I hope the next two pairs of socks go more quickly.  :[

I was thinking today about how part of why I’m bummed too is because I don’t get to spend so much time with Rob.  I was totally spoiled before, when I was unemployed and I got to spend all day, every day with him.  Astonishingly, we pretty much never fought during that period of time.  If anything, we were sublimely close then, and I miss it.  And now, as I grudgingly go to work every morning, I try to think of some way to work for myself so that I can stay home and spend more time with him.  Which today kind of hit a wall because I realized that by the time I pay off my debt and save up for a car, he’ll have long since been required to be at work more often.  His company has plans, they won’t take effect until mid to late next year, but once they do. . .I have no idea what’s going to happen.  I can’t imagine Rob having to wake up early to go to work in the *morning*.  But if by then I could make some kind of home business or something for myself, he won’t be around as much, so there goes that plan.  :/

Last night I had a dream that some anonymous rapper of high acclaim had it in for me, and put out a hit on me.  The guy he sent to kill me used a kind of injected poison that is injected when you’re awake, and the poison takes two days to kill you, with no side effects, so that you walk around for 2 days knowing that you’re going to die, and not being able to do anything about it.  In the dream I kept freaking out and trying to find an antidote, and just in case trying to make sure that Turbo would have a home.  (I have no idea where Rob was in the dream)

I found a site that’s got a bunch of cool stuff I can’t afford.  :[  And everything I saw I thought “Hey, I could probably make that,” but then came the afterthought, “yeah, but I can’t afford the materials to try either.” 

Tomorrow I have an appointment at the girly doctor.  I’m not really looking forward to it at all, (especially since they say “Nothing in or around the vagina for three days prior,”  Why is it that I want to play all the more when I’m not allowed to?) but I do have some questions I want to ask the doctor, so hopefully I get the one I’m comfortable with, and not an intern like last time.

I didn’t really have much of anything to say the past couple of days. It’s mostly SSDD, just me worrying about money and not doing much else. And my sleep schedule is still out of whack. Fortunately though, that gave me reason to write today.

I tried to stay awake today, all the way through, and would have been fine if Craftster.org didn’t go down for maintenance. But they did, and I had already been browsing other people’s craftiness for a good while, so when it went down, it did so leaving me in a crafty mood myself. It was about 11am, and Rob was sleeping, and all was quiet, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I went in my room searching for my S’n'B books, to see if I had any quick patterns for something small that could take up some time, and simultaneously use up some yarn in my ever growing stash. Surprisingly enough, I did. There’s a pattern for Cat-Warming toys, and it calls for Red Heart Sport weight yarn, (you don’t want to use really expensive gourmet yarn for a cat to bat around the floor, do you?) which I happened to have, in contrasting colors, from when I made a Charlie Brown Ipod cozy for my dad. Woot. I got to work. Two hours later. . .this was born!

He knit up so quick, I didn’t even get the chance to put up a progress meter for him. Though I think I’ll be making another one that’s black with a yellow stripe.

I don’t know what to do with the second one though, as I brought this one over to Rob’s mom’s house today when we went to dinner, and the kitty (and other cats) only had minimal interest in it, even when Rob’s mom had dipped it in catnip.

You’re supposed to put some catnip inside in a little muslin pouch, but I don’t have any cats, and thus, no catnip. That’s ok though. Even if the cats didn’t like it, all the humans that saw it got a kick out of it.

My sleep pattern is still all wacky. It’s 1:43am and I just woke up about 43 minutes ago. I went to sleep around 9pm. . .and had a 4-5 hour nap between 1pm and 6pm, so that’s kind of understandable. But I had the weirdest dream while I was sleeping.

Click here to read my SUPAR long dream. . .

It was a crazy dream to say the least, and pretty vivid while I was having it, but now that it’s over, I’m starting to lose some of the finer details of it.

Now it’s almost 3 in the morning (I had to save a draft of this, and come back to it, because I asked Rob to help me update WordPress, and he decided that right then was the best time to do it), and I’m pretty wide awake. I’ll probably put a movie on and knit some more of the sweater.

Firstly, I want to thank Lois Lane for the comment, and to say that I’m really not like, depressed, just mostly bored. I’d be totally fine if I wasn’t worried about having money. That’s the only downside of my situation really, is that I don’t have a steady income. But I’ve been thinking of things and ways to get some. And also, I totally went to OddTodd’s site a few weeks ago when you linked it on your blog, Lois!! Thanks for that, I love his animations, and his dog Roscoe is awesome!

Secondly, I suck. Haha, I totally didn’t clean yesterday. But it’s partially not my fault. I stayed at Rob’s office with him yesterday until around 8pm, so that we could go out to dinner with Reid. And we didn’t get home until late, and then I stayed up reading the comic V for Vendetta (cause I have a weird compulsion to read the book/comic or see the original before a movie comes out). And I didn’t set my alarm clock this morning to wake up early and do yoga or anything, because I was definitely up until after the sun came up. Playing.

Today I’ll probably take a shower, cut my hair a little, get some food, and browse the internet. I’m all sore from this morning, and I’m going to take it easy.

I had the strangest dream last night/this morning. I was in the woods, with people I knew (but no one I really know, I don’t think), and it was not 2006 at all. It was like a fantasy world, and there were weird boar-men chasing us. They had shields and carried swords and wore tabards with a red symbol on them that looks a lot like the Hoarde symbol from World of Warcraft. I kept ending up in this house. There was a cabin like house in the middle of the woods, and no matter where I ran, I kept ending up inside it, with someone I had to protect because I had better survival knowledge than them. I’d always get them out, but only to end up back in the house myself with someone else, and the boar-men outside, about to come in. The last time it happened, I was with someone who had equal survival knowledge as I did, and we both got out, and ran for the hills. Once we crested the last hill, there was a pavillion with an important man inside. There were many guards, but the important guy was at least fair and he heard our story. Then I don’t know what happened, but the situation changed entirely. I was in my grandmother’s brownstone in brooklyn, only it was and it wasn’t. A bunch of people were there, and the guy (a big bald black guy) who I survived the house in the woods with was there. It looked like a party, but if you paid close attention, you could see it was more like a rebel gathering that was supposed to be secret, but the ambassador of the bad guys was present, sitting in the center of us all, acting as if nothing were amiss. Everyone was dressed like we were in a Final Fantasy game. The ambassador said something about not being able to understand our language, and asked us if we spoke Broadway. One guy we were with was previously an actor on broadway, so he started quoting some play. The ambassador interrupted him and began singing “Cain’t say no” from Oklahoma! No one else but me knew the song, so I got up and started singing it to appease him, and hope for a way out of the mess. But I got caught up in the song, and ended up doing a full cabaret-style preformance of it, ending with me swinging from something in the ceiling. I remember trying to get someone’s attention (romantically) while singing, but at the end I wasn’t sure I did. And when I went to go look for him, I ended up in a corner by a doorway that was covered with a sheer fabric, and I saw the shadows of Gene and Eileen, and they were professing their love for one another. I got all sad, and realized that this might look like my grandmother’s brownstone, but it was really Eileen’s place, and I realized I’d made a fool of myself with the cabaret-show and had to leave immediately. The dream ended with a sequence of me going upstairs, and trying to shove all of my belongings into two bags, and recruiting the bald black guy from earlier, he realized something was going wrong and wanted to leave too. I couldn’t find one of my boots, and I wasn’t going to leave with one shoe. It gets fuzzy around here, but I remember that I knew I didn’t know how to get to the subway stop from there, but once I did, I’d be able to go home. Then I remember something about Eileen coming up and asking where I was going. I don’t know if I answered her, and I don’t remember anything else.

As I was writing that, I can see a lot of what things *could* mean, but I’ve always been skeptical of dream interpretation. In science class they always told us that dreams were just brain-reboots. . .freeing up our ram and pulling up random images from our pasts or imaginations in the process.