Jeans and Sneakers

Not much has been going on.  We got the lawn done.  We’re literally watching the grass grow.  Knitting has pretty much been on hold, though I did buy a one-piece circular needle so that I can continue messing up the Razor cami.  Lace has a way of boring me to pieces.  Enough so that I pay attention to something else and then make mistakes.

Today I went to the library on my way home and got some musical cd’s.  I want to try and sing more again.

I’m feeling rushed.  Stressed and busy and stuck.  I want to learn stuff and things, but when I get home after work I’m all tired and stressed and I want to try and recouperate so that I can fall asleep at night.  Excuses, excuses right?  I’m a little bit emo today, a little bit hormonal.  :[

I am learning things.   I suppose I’m not satisfied with the speed with which I’m learning, which is just stupid, you can’t really rush learning, and even if you could, why would you unless it was absolutely necessary?  I guess I’m just past the point where I feel it’s ok to settle for now so that I can get something later.  That was fine a few years ago, but now years have passed, and I’ve gotten nowhere, and I want change.  Immediate change.  It’s not going to happen, especially not without any real effort on my part, I can’t keep expecting things to happen and telling myself not to worry about things when I’m doing nothing to change the way things are now, nothing to move forward, nothing to improve and excel.

It’s hard to push yourself when you’re unsure, and full of self doubt and years of I can’t, and you can’t, and blah, blah.  It’s hard.  No one said it would be easy, but god damnit it’s HARD!!  I feel like I need structure, something to help me push myself and so today I considered school again, only to be debated on it by at least one person whose opinions and thoughts I trust.  Debated and defeated.  Don’t waste money on shit you don’t really want.  Don’t waste time and effort on shit you don’t really want.  Don’t waste any more of yourself because you’ve only got what you’ve got left and there’s no sense in waste.

Rush and rush and rush and damnit, wrong direction again.  Start over.  At least I went right with one thing, one thing, one person, one situation, one circumstance that I trusted and so far it panned out alright.  For a long time.  Maybe I can do it again.