90 days
I had my 90 day review today. It went pretty well, actually. Well, they’re happy with me at least, with the work I’ve been doing for them and the efficiency of which I’ve done it. But they want me to do something I’m not sure I’m capable of. It’s a marketing position, and they want me to be basically the new creative mind behind marketing. I don’t know if I can do that, because I don’t particularly care for the product. I don’t mean that I dislike it, I just mean that I have no interest in it. Makes me kind of nervous.
It makes me more than just nervous. Thinking about years of them expecting me to be the brain behind new campaigns and stuff. . .I don’t know. I pretty much don’t want to. After the review I started thinking about my situation and how I always manage to do this to myself. Well, it really comes down to the fact that I don’t know what I DO want to do.
I thought about it, getting more anxious and more stressed with every passing minute. How do I prevent career catastrophe without having a plan? I started grasping at straws, trying to think of a quick, plausible sounding solution to getting out of a situation, to getting out of this job. I have a bad habit of doing that. It’s as if there’s a limit to how much dislike I can have for a job, and before the limit is reached, I’ll be fine, practically happy with it. Nearing the limit, I’ll start calling in sick, slacking worse than usual, but still telling myself that I’m happy, that it’s a GOOD JOB and that I’m lucky to have it. And then the limit is reached, and it’s like a bomb goes off in my head, and I can see the train wreck coming but feel helpless to prevent the inevitable disaster. Dramatic, right?
I went to lunch thinking maybe I could quit and get financial aid and go back to school full time. Maybe I could go for psychology since many of the people I talk to on a daily basis come to me for advice. It’s something I’m naturally good at and that would make a great career, right? Shrinks make lots of money, right?
Ugh. I know myself a little too well and have played this game a little too often to let that argument work. I could quit my job, and go back to school for psychology, but then how would I pay rent? How would I get to school, with no gas money? Oh well I could get a part time job, I told myself, yes, yes, a part time job and I’d work and pay rent and go to school. . .
Do I really want to be that much in debt again? No. What if I went to school part time?! Well then I’d have to either keep this job or find another one, AND find a school that had the degree I wanted out here in the boonies that offered night classes, or online coursework. . .sounds like a big hassle for something I know I only want to do because I’m freaking out about not wanting to work here. And besides, is this job really that bad? Casual dress, hour lunch break, relatively close to home, the job has a lot of perks that ALL of my previous jobs did not have. And it’ll look good on a resume, regardless. I still don’t want it, but I told them I was looking for something for 2-5 years while I learned what I needed to start a business. Couldn’t that still work?
Maybe. But I know how I am when I’m at home, I want to do nothing, sit around and play games or watch movies but basically do nothing, and there’s no guarantee that I’ll be able to get and retain customers, and working for yourself is unstable income. . .
I came up with an idea. A more stable idea. And it feels right. It feels different from my usual quick fix job switch. It involves a plan, and at least years of dedication to the plan and learning, and really trying. God, I know I’ve said shit like this so many times, that I have an idea and I really think it’ll work this time. Hopefully this time I’m right. Stick to the plan.
Totally unrelated– my knitting has come to an almost halt. The Razor Cami is obnoxious, I freaking HATE denise needles, my cables are separating from the black plastic connector tips. . .such cheap garbage. I want to buy some knit picks options needles, but I don’t have the money yet, so the project is snoozing. I should pick up the socks again though, no reason not to finish those. Maybe later.