Jeans and Sneakers

I always get sort of antsy, squeamish, nervous. . .on the day before starting a new job. I’ve been through the interview process, and obviously I’ve impressed someone to have gotten the job. . .but I’m concerned that I may have given a false impression, that my new bosses will be expecting much more from me than I am able to offer. There is absolutely no grounds for this concern. With every job I’ve held, my employers have always been impressed and delighted to have me working with them. . .up until they took advantage of me in some way, shape, or form. Up until I stopped wanting to come in, and stopped caring. I’m hoping that does not happen in this case. I’m fighting to not let that happen in this case.

INTERLUDE:  What a friggin pain in the ass.  Here I am blogging away, and I notice that my progress meter plugin is out of date.  So I update it, and of course, it breaks the whole friggin thing.  I managed to get the info to display on the page, but for some unknown reason, it will not display the colors it’s supposed to, and won’t even add a new project.  I love it when things work the way they’re supposed to. . . I just spent two hours trying to get the damned thing to work, but I’m no php guru, I’m just guessing here.  :[

Anyway, I’m nervous about tomorrow.  I don’t even really know what to wear.  It’s a casual office, but most of my clothes are dirty.  I REALLY need a washer and dryer.  :[ I think right now that’s #1 priority on my list.

We started watching Voyager last night.  I had no idea that the crew accumulated the way that it did.  Pretty interesting so far, Janeway makes a way better captain than Sisko. . .that man couldn’t act if his life depended on it.

I also kept working on the crosswalkers.  The mistake is still there, but I just want to be done with the yarn, so I don’t care too much.  I have some nice sock yarn calling to me after these are done.  And I have to find a way to wind up my Rhinebeck stash, as my teeny ball winder won’t really cut it.  I wasn’t ever expecting to buy a bulk skein of yarn like that.

I guess with everything that’s NOT been going on, my life’s been pretty boring lately.  With no job, I was hardly leaving the house, and here at home I was only looking for jobs and watching tv at night.  I don’t even know if that’s going to change now that I got a job. . .

See, horrible blogger, I GOT the job I wanted, Marketing Assistant for a German company in the Wind Farming industry.  I start on Tuesday.  While I’m happy that I’ll be working again, and that I’ll have money coming in, I’m kind of worried about being back out there, working. . . I’m sure it’ll be fine.  I’ll be fine.  But I’m a worrier, so worry I will.

I did get out this weekend though.  We went to go visit Rob’s Mom’s new horse at the barn.  And by new, I mean new to us, since she’s had him since sometime last year.  He was a big sweetie, always hungry and liked to give kisses.   :]  There were other animals there too, I especially liked the goats, sheep, and donkeys.  There was one goat there who totally wanted to be my friend.  They were all really curious and made the cutest noises when the barn people were bringing out their food.  It was a fun time.

I’m going to be pretty broke for awhile, so I don’t really see me doing much of anything, especially since the prices of gas are ridiculously high.  Maybe I’ll stop by the library and pick up a book to read, or start watching Voyager.

I started knitting a different sock pattern with the springtime sock yarn I have, the one that was giving me issues with the Dream Sock pattern.  But wouldn’t it just figure that I went and messed up already, and pretty far down, I’m either going to have to live with the mistake, or rip it back to just before, and knit it all again.  It’s frustrating.  Maybe I’ll wind up some cascade 220 and start on the Hemlock Ring blanket. . .I miss bigger yarn/needles.

A friend from high school requested I post up new pictures on my myspace, he said he wants to know what’s going on in my life.   Well, I haven’t taken any pictures.  I don’t really have any friends I hang out with, and I don’t really go anywhere or do anything, so there’s nothing to update about.  I posted up a pic of the house in reply.  That was kind of snotty, since it’s bigger than his house, but I really don’t care at this point.

Been thinking about painting too, but haven’t gotten around to sitting down to do it.  And every time I see a skein of hand spun, I get an itch that says “I WANNA SPIN!” but I’m still kind of scared to really try. . .that woman did a number on giving me a complex.  They’re not even in business anymore.

One more day of “freedom” until I start working again, and I don’t really know what to do with the time.  I can’t even relax and try to enjoy it because that’s just not my style.  I guess I’ll just try to distract myself.

I have a second interview with my first choice company.  It’s this Friday.  Tomorrow, I also have a second interview with a different company that I’m not so interested in, but it’s good to have a backup plan, right?

I’m kind of nervous, the person I would be working under is also the woman who interviewed me, and she sent me some links on “How to survive your second interview” when she asked if I could come back.  I’m wondering if she’s pulling for me or if she thinks I need pointers.  Either way, I plan on being fully myself at the interview, any “preparing” or anything like that on my part makes me feel like cheating in a way. . .or more accurately, fooling them into believing I’m their gal.

Actually that bothered me a lot when I was reading the articles she sent me.  They were entirely geared towards a generation of people who are taught how to learn to pass tests, but not how to learn.  The articles advised to prepare for every possible question or tactic, as if telling the reader to be ready to fool the fooler.  That’s not how things are supposed to work.  If I can’t be myself at an interview, then I can’t be myself at that job, and I don’t want it.  I am not such an imbecile or delinquint that I do not know how to conduct myself, nor do I have to “prepare” my answers.  If you ask me a question, I’ll tell you the truth, that is how I work.  No preparation necessary.

She also asked me to bring more examples of my “creativity”.  Then specifically asked me to bring a brochure I’ve done, if I had one.  I don’t have one.  I’ve never made a brochure before, and I told her that at my first interview.  Whatever, I’ll bring what I have, and if that’s not good enough, oh well.

My plants are growing, and that’s good.  I fixed my hat, but now I have nothing currently on the needles.  I frogged the springtime sock because I hate the yarn, and it was making hideous holes despite wrapping in the short-row heel the pattern was calling for.  I need to do something else with that yarn, I just don’t know what yet.  Maybe still socks,  just a better pattern.

I’ve been pretty hormonal lately, and it’s not too fun.  Kind of hard with my current schedule to keep myself from thinking too much, or sleeping too much.  And I lack the motivation to do the things I always said I’d do if I were home all day.  Eventually, I’ll get a job, and things’ll balance out for awhile.

I had a kitchen onion that started growing. So I decided to really let it grow and get a pot and everything! While we were at Home Depot picking out a pot and some soil, we decided to get some seeds and grow some other stuff too. I got Sage, Basil, Thyme, and Oregano. Rob got Spearmint and Broccoli!! I can’t wait till they germinate and start poking their little heads out!! YAY Plants!

In other news, I have a job interview tomorrow. It’s for a company that’s pretty close by, so I hope they’re offering decent pay. We’ll see when I go tomorrow. It would be nice to have steady incoming cash again.

This weekend my dad and sister came over for dinner. We had a pretty good time. There’s things going on with everyone that concerns me. . .but there’s not much you can do about other people’s lives. You can just let them know that you’re there.

Rob got some Perfect Shot Wiimote guns, and I can’t wait to get some games that we can use them with. House of the Dead II and III is coming out for Wii soon, and that’s just going to be awesome.

I started knitting Koolhaas, out of some of the leftover Malabrigo I have. . .mmmm, I love this stuff. I have another skein too, and I’m going to try and make matching mittens with it, I think. I also want to start the Hemlock Ring Blanket out of the leftover Cascade 220 from my dad’s sweater. I’m not thrilled about having a navy blue blanket, but maybe it’ll surprise me and look really good. Worst comes to worst, I can probably dye it some other dark color that has blue in it. Lol.

Actually, I have a lot of knitting projects I want to get started, and most of it would use up yarn in my stash. I have two designs I want to make, a leftover-sock-yarn blanket, and either Monkey or Pomatomus socks out of some sock yarn I have, not to mention some kind of knee-high socks out of some Henry’s Attic Kona I have that would have to be dyed, and a female Cobblestone sweater with a possibly modified boatneck. . . all which should technically help me to not spend any money (I HAVE the yarn for all of these projects. And I thought I’d never accumulate a stash, lol), along with the help of the full series episodes of DS9 and Voyager. And then I can finally get my washer and dryer! But I’m getting ahead of myself. I need to land a job first.

I’m sure there’s more to write about, but I can’t think of it at the moment. :] Plants!

is discouraging in and of itself. At least, it is when you’re unemployed and pressed for cash. Here you are, broke and hopeful, sending out your resume to as many places as you possibly can. The days, then weeks pass. If you’re lucky, you hear back almost immediately. That’s what happened the last time I was job hunting, and I took several hasty jobs that I ended up quitting in a matter of weeks because if I’d really paid attention to what the jobs were and how much they were paying in the first place instead of panicing about not having any money, I probably wouldn’t have taken them.

Right now, It’s been almost two weeks since I left my last place of employ, and I haven’t heard back from one place I’ve sent my resume to. Oh wait, that’s not true, one place called back on my old cell phone number. . .but I’m pretty sure that job was telemarketing sales anyway.

So I’m a bit discouraged. Trying to stay crafty to keep my spirits up, but then I feel guilty for crafting instead of looking for work. And then part of me wants to craft as a job, so that doesn’t really help.

I’ve been watching these vlogs by women who are out there, crafting for a living. Making ART for a living. They make these vlogs and tell you things like “there’s never going to be an ideal time to go for it” and “if you want it, you have to really want it and really try”. Well. I’m really bad at REALLY wanting anything. I think it’s a part of how I was raised, how we didn’t have a lot of money, and I kept my wants to a dull murmur. Anything I wanted wasn’t really all that important afterall, right? I mean, it wouldn’t be the biggest deal if I didn’t get it. . .cause chances are I probably wouldn’t get it. . .

It’s a horrible mentality to have, especially when you kind of want something, and know that if you keep giving it up you’re just going to keep getting frustrated with the pay-the-bill-jobs. I just don’t know how to posture myself into doing something about it. I’m too scared of failure to start. No, that’s not completely right, I don’t think it’s failure I’m scared of. I’m scared of the trying. The DOING. The unknown of what might happen. Basically I think too much. I have done so much in my life that is totally risky and near insane, and things have worked out smashingly, so far at least. . .but when I stop to think about what I’m doing, instead of just doing it, I go into a panic.

I don’t know how to get over that.

I made a hat yesterday. Lyra’s hat from The Golden Compass. I had some large yarn and equally large needles lying around, so I figured even though the weather’s finally turning nice, there’s no reason for me to not make a hat when I had free time. I’m going to try to design something next. I’m still working on the socks, but they’re terribly dull.

I’ve been a little. . .worried.  That’s a bit of an understatement, but it’s the easiest way to put it.  I’ve been stuck in this moebius loop of actions for over 5 years now:  get a job, go until you’re sick of it, start calling in sick too much, quit.  It’s not a fun loop.  Especially since I’ve realized that it’s not going to change, I always get the same kind of jobs. . .and I’m always sick of them within a few months.  And depending on the situation at hand, the people I’m working with, and how badly I need money, determines how long I’ll stay at said job until I leave.

So it’s been my understanding for a long time now that I need to do something else.  And I’ve run through several what-to-do-for-work scenarios in my head.  More than several, really.  But none of them really went anywhere.  I’m scared to try anything.  I’m scared of failure, I’m scared to take the chance.  I’m scared to work for myself, to have all of the responsibility, and the fear is the crippling kind.  Every time I’ve been unemployed for the past 5 or 6 years (which has been quite a few, actually), I’ve thought about working for myself.  I’ve told myself I was trying to get a “business” off of the ground, but I never really tried.  I was always too scared to really make a go of it.

And lately I’ve been watching these art vlogs that these women on the internet have made.  These are creative women who want to make art their life.  They want to enjoy their lives, and make what they want, and I want that.  I don’t know what I want to make, but I want to make STUFF.  I want to wake up in the morning, check my email, eat a muffin and MAKE.  And then maybe go outside and run or roller skate in the sunshine.  And then come inside and play on the internet a little bit and MAKE.  And eat.  And enjoy my life.

I’m unemployed right now.  I don’t want to get another frigging office job.  I want to rule my life, MAKE STUFF, and love what I’m doing.  I want to be happy.

I had a plan to take these certification classes in web design from sessions.edu.  I still want to do that, but it’s like $9k for the cert that I want, and I don’t have ANY money.  I’m probably going to end up having to take another office job to pay my bills.  But I want to make art.  I want my creativity back.  I want to decide how my day goes and when I get to go outside, and work till 3am on something if I want to.

I decided to draw a picture.  I wanted to see if I could draw something if I really tried.  And for a first attempt, it came out pretty good.  If I keep drawing, and trying other things, like painting, or drawing with colored pencils or chalks, then maybe I can get something artistic going here.  Maybe I can further my skills by practicing, and maybe I can sell some art.  And then maybe I can live my life the way I want and not the way some frigging company wants me to.

First and foremost, I’m happy to finally be able to post a picture of a finished object!!  YAY!!  Today I’m wearing my very own Forecast sweater.  It’s come out beautifully, and I couldn’t be happier with it.

Things in other quarters aren’t so great.  I quit my  job today.  I was trying my very hardest to not walk out, to just deal with the crap they were giving me, but every person has a limit, and they found mine.   I’m not going to go into juicy detail, I’d rather just put it behind me and get moving forward.

I’ve been all over job boards all morning.  Now is NOT a good time for me to be unemployed.  While I do have somewhat of a plan to try and work for myself (again, no statyous this time though), I need time and money to get there.  Time, I now have.  Money. . .well isn’t that always the issue.

Things have been moving along slowly, I still have no washer and dryer, due to an unexpected dentist visit that pushed back the appliance plan for two months.  The kitchen, however, is pretty much done.  The only thing that might change in there is Turbo’s little area, as we’ll be downstairs most of the time after it’s finished, and he should be where we are most of the time.

Other than that. . .we’ve been watching A LOT of Star Trek: DS9.  I never really got into the show, but now I’m hooked.  I think we’re on season 5.  We’ve got Voyager cued up for when we finish.  Woot.

Baking has been awesome in the new oven.  I haven’t burnt one thing yet.  It’s so nice to have an oven that properly heats your baked goods and stuff.  :]  I found a recipe on Monday for homemade potstickers, and I think I’ll try them tonight. . .now that I don’t have anywhere to be in the morning.  :[

That’s pretty much it, I paid this month’s bills, so hopefully I don’t have any breaks in paying for stuff.  Wish me luck on the job search, I’m going to need something to help me reach my ultimate goal.