Jeans and Sneakers

Here’s a pic of me in my new scarf.  It’s awesomely warm.  I finished it last Friday at work, and just in time for some cold weather.  Too bad now it’s warm again.  Oh well, It’ll be ready when  I need it.

I’ve got too much going on in my head.  I’ve been on and off stressed and distressed and depressed, and I think I need a vacation.  :/

Rob tells me an hour before I leave work on Friday that his friend called and there’s a halloween party at some kid’s house. We didn’t have costumes. So I come home, we go to the costume store, and about 15 minutes later, we’re costumed. Not too shabby.

I haven’t been to a house party in YEARS. I was glad and kind of weirded out to be one of the only two females not dressed like a slut. Wierded out not because I want to dress like a slut, but because, well, I guess I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I like to think that girls have more self worth than to parade their body parts around for a bunch of drunken guys. I mean sure, I can understand wanting to dress all sexy like on halloween, but considering the party was supposed to be out doors and it was cold and rainy, I told myself there was no way I’d be going to the party half naked.

/ rant. I guess I’m just getting older.

I kind of have a secret and it’s killing me not to be able to talk about it. I haven’t really had a secret in a while, so I’m out of practice I guess.

I made cinnamon raisin bread today, but either my yeast has died/gone bad, or I killed it with too warm temperatures again. I’ll have to work on that. The loaf came out like a brick of flour. :/ It would be nice to have an oven that I could read the temperature the knob was at.

I finished my scarf yesterday at work, which means that I can officially start my sweater. I’m kind of intimidated by it though, no idea why. It’s not like I haven’t made sweaters before. Maybe because the only other sweater I made for myself didn’t fit (honorine). I really want this to fit nicely.

It seems like there’s so much going on, but there really isn’t.  There are some things in the works, but in so far as day to day, hour to hour, things happening, there really isn’t.  Mostly it’s waiting.  And anticipating.  Worrying.

I’ve been to two voice lessons so far, and today is my third.  I think this guy knows what he’s doing for the most part, but he tends to go off track during the lesson, (it’s supposed to last 30 mins, but I’m there for an hour) and get chatty, which is nice sometimes, but at the same time, it’s a weeknight, and part of me just wants to get home.  I paid for 5 lessons in bulk, of which tonights will be #2, but I’m not sure if I’m going to keep going after this.  For multiple reasons, but we’ll see.

I stayed home today,  not feeling well.  They didn’t seem angry about it when I called and emailed in.  Last time I had to call in, I left a voicemail on the executive assistant’s cell phone, I was trying to get her in person, but it didn’t work, I left a voicemail, and she didn’t get it until 3 days later.  So she called me about 30 mins after I would have been there had I not called in, asking if I was coming in.  I didn’t know she didn’t get my voicemail and kind of half explained how tired I was from traveling, it was kind of a mess.  When she got the voicemail though, things straightened out, so that’s ok.  She got my email this morning at least.

I’ve been having strange dreams.  Last night I dreamt that I had gotten pregnant, and that I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep it or not, and everyone in my family was telling me something different, and then there was this art gallery party with really tall gallery walls, and Vinny was there on a cherry picker being loud, and it was just all around a weird scene.  The other night I talked in my sleep and started laughing, and when Rob asked me what I was laughing at I said “pants”.  He said “those must have been some pretty funny pants” and I said “they were, uhhhh. . . . .Gorilla Legs!”

I’ve been thinking about money, and how I could be making more of it at an actual job that had actual job responsibilities that didn’t include watering plants and making tea.  I guess I’m getting pretty frustrated with it.  Sometimes it’s not so bad,  but a lot of the time I’m just sitting there wishing for a real job with job functions so the time wouldn’t crawl.  And then in that bad mood, I get pissed when they ask me to make tea or go out to get the boss breakfast.

I dunno.  The art thing has slowed down, I haven’t been drawing or painting every day, but I think that’s a side effect of feeling this rushed feeling, like I don’t have time to do things I enjoy because I’m too busy worrying.  I dunno, I’m just an idiot.

So I’m feeling pretty good.  I woke up late today, I somehow managed to unset my alarm clock last night before falling asleep.  So I woke up at the time that I usually leave the house.  Any day that I wake up late is usually a bad day, because I start out feeling rushed and then I’m in a bad mood to start off with.  Well today wasn’t like that.

Last night, I made my first entry into my art journal.  I’ve got a cool idea for decorating the cover too.  It’s not my typical style, but I’m suprisingly happy with it.  Usually when I get a sketchbook or something I’ll go to draw something in it and I’ll hate how it comes out and I’ll either tear it out or leave it there, either way I still feel like the sketchbook is tainted, and I don’t want to draw in it anymore.  But with this, it sounds silly, but with this book, SuziBlu said it’s ok to draw or paint or color the worst crap in the world in there.  So that’s ok.  It doesn’t matter what goes in this book, no holds barred, it’s totally free territory.  And that feels great.  So great that I almost couldn’t wait to put something else in there.  Oddly enough though the next thing I put in was a drawing that I drew for some reason on a postit.  Again though, I like it the way it is.  I put it on the next blank page and I used a piece of tape to make sure it won’t come off.  I even hid a drawing behind it.  I like where this is going. 

Today I made an appointment for Wednesday for my first ever Voice Lesson.  I’m so excited.  And nervous.  But mostly excited.  I’ve been saying for years that my voice isn’t what it used to be, but I had no idea how to try and get it back on my own.  So I took the plunge and I’m going to get help.  And learn some necessary stuff that I wouldn’t have learned on my own along the way.  The guy sounds awesome, we spoke on the phone today and he was super excited for me, considering I’d first contacted him about lessons at the end of August, but couldn’t afford them yet.  He was happy that I’m still interested, and he seemed excited to get started so quickly.  And it didn’t seem like a monitary thing, he had another student there practicing when I called, he’s been doing this for years, and it doesn’t seem like he’s hard up for cash.  I’m excited.  And nervous. But definitely mostly excited.

I’ve been in kind of a funk for the past week or so, little things had culminated and really altogether began to bother me in a large way.  Rob nudged and nudged me yesterday until I spoke to him about one thing, which lead to me talking to him about some of the other things.  I think that somehow, different elements in my life have come together now, to bring me some focus.  I realized that I was looking all over for something, when all along I really knew the answer.  When you ask yourself, what do you really want, sometimes you have to listen to the tiniest of voices to get the truth.  I asked myself, when I was little, what did I want to be when I grew up?  That answer came easy enough, a Singer and an Artist.  An Artist and a Singer.  Either way, they both had equal importance to me.  I told this to Rob and explained to him how over the years, in my life, for different reasons, I lost those things.  I lost music, I lost art.  I had left myself with nothing, wondering why my life had no direction.  So now, I’m trying to get them back.  And I feel really good about it.

Oh.  I didn’t go rollerskating today.  I don’t really want to go by myself, but I don’t have anyone to ask to go with me.  I asked Rob, but I knew that he wouldn’t want to go, and that’s fine.  I just don’t want to go by myself.

Edit: I also painted today!  For some reason I didn’t want to paint in my art journal, but I found some blank cards I had and painted one of them.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll take a picture of it and post it up.  I think I’m probably going to redesign the blog in the near to not-so-near future. :]

I guess it’s been too long since I blogged last.

I just got done watching these vlogs that my sister emailed me.  After watching the first one, I thought “this girl is drunk!”, but I kept watching more.  And I have to say, I really like her art, and I like the message she’s putting out there.  My problems with being creative have always been exactly what she tells you to pay no attention to, other people’s opinions, and fear of other people’s opinions, or even your own.  I find myself not drawing or not writing or not painting, because I’m worried that whatever comes out of it is going to be total crap.  I think that’s why I cling to “safer” creativities, like knitting, where for me, it’s a technical creativity, you follow the directions, and the end product comes out like the picture.  Same thing with cooking from recipes, you follow the directions, and you get the proper end result.  Sometimes I cook on the fly, but it doesn’t happen anywhere near as much as it used to, and when I did, the stuff I made was pretty good!

So yeah, my point is, it’s time to stop stopping myself.  I need to bring art, and music, and fun, and creativity back into my life and stop being a zombie.

I found a Long Island Roller Derby League.  I’m gonna check out the rink they practice at next Monday night.  I’ll finally get to roller skate, and even if I don’t join up, it might be a fun sport to get into.  They’re looking for refs, and general volunteers, groupies and sponsors, so maybe I can meet some people and make some friends.

In other news, we had a house that we were going to sign a lease on that had a 2 car garage in a nice area, but the landlords couldn’t get a mortgage on another house so they backed out of the rental.  Lame.  So we’re still looking for a better place.  It’s hard though, there’s TONS of houses for sale (for ridiculous prices), but hardly any for rent, and then an even smaller percentage of those that have garages.  It’s all turning into quite the pain in the ass.

My job’s still my job.  Lol, I’m still going to try and keep it for as long as possible.  They’re going to start having “Thirsty Thursdays” where everyone from work meets up somewhere to drink after work.  I’ll probably go to some of these, but I’m not going to drink when I have to drive home.  I think the whole thing is a pretty bad idea, but we’ll see.  The big thing in the office now too is the holiday party.  It’s in the very beginning of November, and they’re having it at a club in the city.  All the girls are like “OMG What are you wearing!?!”  I’ll probably end up wearing the little black dress I wore to Josh’s wedding, but if I see something better on line, I might not.

I’ve got two projects on the needles. . .I just finished the heel decreases on Jaywalker sock #1, and I started a My-So-Called-Scarf, which is coming out awesome.  Doesn’t look like any of them will be done terribly soon though, I don’t have much time for knitting during the week.  (If only I knew if it was ok to knit at work!!!  It’s not like I’m ever doing anything important for them. :[  )

That’s about all for now.