Jeans and Sneakers

I’ve been pretty down today.  It’s the weirdest thing. My comfort place is bed (some people eat, I curl up in bed.  In high school I used to sleep most of the day when I was down.), and so I’m blogging from the laptop instead of my desktop which is literally about 5 feet from me.  I can’t type on my desktop while lying in bed.  Wireless is nice.

Anyway, yeah.  So I’m in a bit of a funk, and I’m having a hard time figuring it out entirely.   I think parts of it are being lonely, because although I have Rob, I can’t rely on him for all of my emotional support/interaction.  It’s not fair to try, and I don’t think it’s healthy or even possible for me to do.

I’ve been feeling like a bit of a weirdo lately.  I think a lot of it is because of my coworkers, and the way they live, and view me.  I try not to let anyone’s opinion of me get to me, but when you’re spending 9 hours a day, 5 days a week with people. . .well, when I do, I can’t help but try to interact a little, to socialize.  And I had a conversation with one of my few friends about this before, how with my coworkers, I should just work with them, and keep the socializing to a minimum, not because I don’t like them, but because they’re somewhat close-minded, and I don’t ever get any good feedback from talking to them about my personal life.  Ever.  But I can’t help it.  I like talking to people, and I need that interaction.  I always have.  And now when I talk to my coworkers about my weekend or whatever (which is never all that strange. . . ok, so I knit, and I like Nine Inch Nails.  I could be way weirder. . .), they respond acting like I’m the oddest thing they’ve ever encountered.  If I am. . .I’m surprised either of them went to college, or interacted with the world at all.  But I digress.  They’re making me feel like I’m a freak or something.  And I have no one but Rob to tell me otherwise.

Lately when I do talk to the friends I do have (which are all online, ha), the conversations are weird.  It feels like people are just talking to me to be polite.  I’m probably looking way too far into things, they’re probably doing other things, but that makes me jealous.  What other things are they doing?  Why don’t I have any other things to do?  I can try to make myself do something to not notice how I can’t hold a conversation anymore, but that’s a blatant diversion.  I know what I’m doing to myself, and regardless of if it works or not, it’s not solving the problem, and I’m sick of feeling like this.

:/

You can’t really go looking for friends at 24.  Everyone assumes you’re looking for sex.  I get sex.  Very good sex.  And my boyfriend is my best friend.  But I miss having friends.  Plural.  So that when one person is busy doing something, or is absolutely sick of you, and you still are bored, you can call someone else to hang out.  Or just having someone who likes some things that your significant other might not be interested in.  Like Broadway musicals.  Or getting your eyebrows done.

I’m jealous of Rob because he has friends.  It’s retarded.  But it makes me itch, knowing that I used to get phone calls, that people used to want to hang out, or just see how I was doing, and now that I’ve been in a relationship for a long while, people stopped calling.  Because the people who were calling were guys.  And they realized I’m not available anymore.  It bothers me thinking about how the only reason my “friends” called was to invest in some possible future fuck.  I had two female friends since high school.  One stopped calling and wanting to hang out when I called after she got engaged.  The other just decided she didn’t want to pick up when I called or answer my ims anymore.  I have no idea what happened there.

So yeah.  I’ve been down.  Feeling kind of inept at making friends, or whatever.