Excuse me while I bitch a moment.
Seriously now. I’m having major issues. I must be the only knitter with a blog to be defeated by Birch. I swear. Everyone else on the internet seems to love this pattern, to say how wonderful it was to knit up, how after maybe a change of needles, it was an amazing knit.
I’ve now tried FOUR times to start knitting this stupid effing lace shawl, because I wanted to give my mom something nice and a little bit luxurious for Mother’s day. And every single effing time, I’ve been foiled. This time, even with STITCH MARKERS, for crying out loud, I started off with 299 stitches, and by the end of row 4, I have 300. This is supposed to be a decreasing pattern. And also, I’ve noticed that the place where my stitch markers fall on the next row doesn’t always match up. Fantastic. Am I that dim witted, that much of a freak with no attention span, that a VERY SIMPLE lace pattern escapes me?
I’m seriously considering giving up on this. I’ve already thought of how easy it could be to raffle off the three and a half balls of KSH and stupid Rowan 34 pattern book that mocks me. But there’s a part of me with a stupid foolish pride, that won’t let some stupid worm poo and shorn hair twist get the best of me. For now though, I can’t look at it without wanting to burst into tears. So I’m putting it aside for the weekend, when I can hopefully have better luck again. In the meantime, I can only hope my mom understands the further delay while I knit these a little more:
Tell me that’s not an awesome pattern. I wish the light were a little bit better in here, the colors are more vibrant than they look in the picture.
The pattern is simple, and instantly flattering. I didn’t know how the colors would show once I started knitting, but I’m pleased with the results, and am thinking about making a matching tank top.
Which kind of but not really brings me to the next thing I wanted to ramble about. I’ve mentioned my new job in here, and I’m pretty sure I wrote about how my review went well. This week, part of me rebelled hardcore against waking up at 7:30 in the morning and being there for 9 hours during the day. I know everyone has to work to survive and all that, but it seriously tears at my mind and heart that I can’t be doing something more suited to me. I don’t even know what that is, I don’t have a “I want to be ________ when I grow up,” I only have a list of things I don’t want to spend my time doing.
And I see how Rob lives, and how he’s studied on his own to learn what he needs (and what he’s interested in) to fulfill his promise to himself that he’d work on his own terms, that he’d never have a job that he had to wear a suit for. And I get mad that I can’t work on my own terms. That I’ve got to have an office job, because I’ve never done anything else with myself that will land me any other kind of job, and I’m not confident enough yet to actually start a business and create my own terms.
It’s really depressing, thinking that you’ll be stuck doing something you don’t want to be doing for the rest of your life. And I’ve been trying, these past few years, to come up with something else to do that would allow me to survive and be happy, but it’s all really me grasping at straws.
I know my job is a good one, but I still feel like it’s not for me. This happens with every job I’ve gotten so far. So many trial and errors look bad on a resume. So I’m kind of bummed out, not really knowing what to do.
Sorry for the down post, but what’s a blog for, if not to vent?
Edit: Rob’s mom loved the sweater, and it actually didn’t look so horrible on her, it fit her well. She said she was going to wear it to work this past Monday, but I don’t know if she did or not. She seemed really happy with it though.