Jeans and Sneakers

I had an idea to make a post to spew out everything that’s been buzzing around my head lately, because there is a lot of it, and I don’t really let it all out anywhere.  So here goes nothing.

First and foremost, there’s my job situation.  Last Friday I put in my two weeks notice, and I stayed home today.  When I decided that I was going to quit, I told myself that I’d work every day of the last two weeks with the company, because I’ve been slacking so hardcore and missing at least one day a week since I told them I’d be looking for a new job.  That was in November I think.  :/  The thing is, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  This job has worn me down so far, has pushed me to the very end of my limits, it’s all I can do to not just never go back.  It’s been nothing but bull ever since I got hired there, and that’s a whole other story altogether.  I’m glad it’s almost over, but I wish it WAS over already.  Which brings me to my next topic:

I have no other job lined up.  This has me so worried that I’ve put it right out of my head.  I know that I’m going to have to find a job, and quick, to be able to pay for my bills and monthly expenses.   And I am looking at all the help wanted ads, Craig’s List (where I got *this* gem of a job. . .ugh), Career Builder, and Monster. . .but more and more I’m not seeing anything that I know I can excel at.  I’m at a point, where I’ve landed and then quit so many jobs since I’ve moved back to Long Island, that I know, before I even go on an interview, what kind of place the company will be just by the ad they put out, and I’m not seeing one job that I’m not just going to turn around and quit in a year or less.  I know it sounds like I’m making excuses, but for all the jobs I’ve already quit, I ignored my gut feeling about them to begin with, and it always ended up being right.  I know where I belong, and where I don’t, and I know what people expect of me and I know what I can and can’t deliver.  I’m freaking out because I know I need to find something that I can stick with, work hard at, grow with, but I seriously do not see anything that fits the bill.  Which again leads me to my next thought:

I have an idea.  A great idea for a website that I’m actually going to make.  I have written about this briefly before, and even now I’m wary of writing about it because even though I’m pretty sure almost no one reads this, I don’t want my idea to be taken before I can manifest it in all it’s glory.  My point is though, that it could be a business.  And I want to make it one.  And while I know that it’s going to take time and serious effort to come to fruition, I’m hoping, deep down inside I’m hoping, that I can make this happen and not need to work for anyone else.  Because I don’t think I’m going to find a place with people who don’t want me to be someone I’m not,  who are willing to teach me what I don’t know, and still pay me enough to survive.  For months now I’ve been reaching out for something that I could grab hold of, make my own, and be myself and still make money.  I think I might have found it, but it’s going to take a lot of work, and I need advice, because there are things I just don’t understand about starting a business.  And I’ve been to the NYS small business websites, and all of that, I’ve requested packets of information, but there are some things that just aren’t covered, and I want to make sure I know what the hell I’m doing before I go and throw myself into it head on.

Part of me is looking forward to the week after my last day there, kind of like a kid looking forward to summer vacation.  C’mon, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Long days of sleeping late, eating food, playing video games, spending time with the bf, and staying up late.  But man, I can’t do that.  I need to make money.  I need to pay rent, car insurance, my debt, my phone bill (though no one except my family ever calls me.).  But I can’t help looking forward to it anyway.  The other part of me is screaming at me to find a job, ANY JOB, before that week even gets here so that I’ll have some money coming in.  When I really think about it, it makes me want to cry.  So I’ve been making my brain shut up every time I think about how after next Friday, I don’t have to go back there ever, and in the back of my mind somewhere, I whisper to myself that I have to find something to replace it.

Toying with the idea of going back to school again, but not seriously, I don’t think.  I would likely go for graphic arts but school is expensive and I really don’t want any more debt, thank you very much.  Not to mention that I don’t really think that I compare to a lot of the graphic artists out there.

Things have been good at the house.  The kitchen is still dirty most of the time, but I’ve stopped looking at it really.  The roomate’s gf hasn’t been around much, much to my liking.

I’ve been reading again, the Narnia books, and they’re really quite good.  I think I even had a dream with something like Aslan in it, and I haven’t felt that way about an omnipotent being since. . .well, in a long while.  So I guess I’m definitely looking for at least SOME of the religious significance in it.  And though I don’t agree with everything that Aslan does in the books, the description of the children’s feelings when in his presence definitely bring back some kind of good memories.

I have pretty much stopped knitting the golden tunic I’m supposed to be knitting.  I’ll get back to it, eventually.  Hopefully it’ll actually get completed.

I’m having such a hard time coming up with a site design for my new page, and I’m so frigging stubborn that I won’t even think about having someone else do it.  :[

My relationship gets better and better all the time.  I am so happy with Rob, and it kind of bugs me out a little because I’m not really used to the idea of me and someone else ACTUALLY being together for YEARS.  Not bugs me out in a bad way, I’m just fascinated that we feel for eachother as we do, after almost 2.5 years.  I know, it’s not REALLY that long of a period of time, but my longest relationship ever before him was 7 months I think, around there, where it ended wasn’t really clear, but my point is that this is more than triple the amount of time I’ve ever been with someone.  It’s good, but I’m kind of worried it’s all going to end at any moment.  Not because of any unpleasantness in the relationship, just because no one’s stayed with me this long before.

Now that I know that  my income is limited, I of course want to buy everything in sight.  Well not really.  But I want odd things.  Like acreage in Wyoming.  A land lot.  Dilapidated houses in Buffalo to fix up and rent out.  Those last go for between $5-7k.

I take back anything bad I’ve ever said about Adobe Illustrator.  It’s a cool program, I just didn’t know how to use it.  I’m still learning, but it’s nifty.

I’m really kind of lonely.  I miss having friends call me wanting to hang out.  At the same time, I’m kind of anxious about social gatherings now.  Sort-of.  Depends on who’s there.

I hate information pages that give out confusing info, while making no attempt to try to make the info more understandable.

I think I’m going to be in need of dental work soon and I have no idea when I might be able to get that done.  I’m going through this whole big process of getting on Rob’s insurance, and now that we’ve finally got this one form notarized, I find out we’re going to need originals of our birth certificates.  I have the birth certificate my mom gave me, but it’s a photo copy, and it was falling apart, so I laminated it.  Apparrently that’s not good enough so I’m going to have to go to the city website and get a reissued certified birth cirtificate.  Grand.  That’ll cost me about $20 which really isn’t much (more if I want it mailed express), but you’ve got to remember, my last day of work is next Friday and I don’t know where the money will come from after that.  It’s like should I spend it because it’s to get myself health insurance, or should I save it and pay rent, or car insurance?  Hmm.

Video games are a great mental distraction (as are books) when you don’t want to think about things, but they’re also a wonderful waste of time.  I wanted to try to force myself to come up with something for the site, but instead I tooled around with illustrator for a wee bit and then played warcraft all day.   Oof.

Wow.  This has gotten retardedly long, so I’ll end here.  I’m sure there are other things on my mind, but I can’t think of anything else, and I’m supposed to be sleeping.