7 days till Xmas.
I got my tree today. This year, my xmas tree looks exactly how I feel. Because it is a xmas tree, it is xmassy. But when you stand back and really look at it, it looks sad and pathetic, a farce of what it truely is supposed to be. I’m pretty low on holiday spirit this year, and I think it’s mostly because I’m pretty lost. The fun of the holiday season, and of the new year, is in getting together with your friends and family, being thankful for the love that you have, and can give, and looking forward to the future, making plans for the rest of your life.
Don’t get me wrong. I am greatful for my family, as much as they anger me, and I’m extremely greatful for my boyfriend, who has somehow found the will to put up with me for over two years now. But in 2005, most of the people I considered friends showed me that I could never really count on them. Any plans I’ve made have either fallen through, or I’ve let myself down on. I’m at a loss when it comes to planning for the future, because I’ve pretty much lost all hope that I’ll ever find a job that I can enjoy, and be good at, that pays me well enough so that I’m not living week to week, just barely paying off my current bills. And this year I’ve proven to myself that I might be able to come up with some interesting ideas, I am totally unreliable for following through. No matter how much I tell myself I’m going to try and get my shit together and really, really try to find something that I can be passionate about again, I do nothing, and nothing happens, and I leave myself in bad situations.
So this year, the holiday isn’t really a happy season for me, because I look to next year, and all I see is another 365 days of trying to not notice how I’m failing, how I’m not doing anything to better myself or my life. Of working for people I hate, doing the least amount of work, to bring home just enough to live on. Of coming home after work and feeling so tired, that I don’t even want to try and do anything with myself, sitting in front of a computer playing flash games for hours.