Jeans and Sneakers

My friend Jeremy told me this morning that WordPress had a new version out, so I had to make sure to upgrade when I came home. But I was slightly delayed in doing anything computer related. . . .because this was waiting for me!!!

Rob got me a Robosapien for xmas, but he was on backorder so he came a little late. That’s ok though!! He dances! I tore open the package like a little kid. I told Rob truthfully, that this is the first time in a long time I got all excited like I used to when I was little over a present. I played with him for a long time!! I want to play with him now!! :] The best part is, when you turn him off, his right arm reaches out and twitches, and he goes “Rosebud. . .” and then turns off. HILARIOUS!
I’m such a dork. I’ve started playing World of Warcraft again. . .after my first attempt at the beginning of the year failed, I had cancelled my subscription and considered myself done with the game. I was wrong though, I started playing again around October-ish, and I actually LIKE playing this time. Yesterday I found some friends online that I used to hang out and roleplay whitewolf with when I lived way upstate, and some of them have a guild on a server, so I started a new character. Craziness.

And things are taking off with Twice on Tuesday!! How great! And the best thing is. . .I don’t have work on Monday!! YAY!

I’m not sure I’m going to even get a tree next year. This year felt like absolutely nothing. There was no excitement, no anxious waiting for christmas day, it just felt like another day.

I don’t know if it was because I didn’t get that many presents to give, and the ones I did give were kind of lame, and because I didn’t get anything to put in the stockings, or if it was because my whole family like, fell apart this year, I don’t know what did it.

I’m so angry. I don’t know how to fix what’s wrong in my life. I’d love to say that I believe I can accomplish my New Years’ Resolutions next year, but honestly I don’t think I will. I didn’t do any of them this year.

(1. To make myself happy - This includes everything that makes me unhappy, like getting myself a better job, or making one for myself that I can enjoy, paying off my debt so that I don’t have to worry about it anymore, doing things in my spare time so that I don’t feel as though I’m wasting the younger years of my life, and finding people who are capable of being actual friends, to tell and listen, care and advise, etc. There are so many things going on in my life right now that make me unhappy, and I need to figure out ways to make them stop.
2. To finish the things I start - I have a horrible habit of starting something, or coming up with an idea, and then doing absolutely nothing to follow through with it. )

Rob said after the new year begins, he’s going to give me homework assignments, to help me learn php. I hope I don’t get too mad/frustrated. Sometimes I feel so dense that I actually hinder my own learning.

The roomate’s gf is supposed to be out by January. Hopefully then I’ll have my house back. I’m kind of hoping the roomate goes too. We’d have to get another one, but the potential candidates wouldn’t be anywhere near as bad as the current one.

I already finished book one of Narnia, last night. I might start another one tonight, but I might just play video games instead.

I know my entries haven’t been the deepest of thought, or very coherent at all. I don’t even know if anyone’s reading this, but if there is anyone, I apologize. I’ll try and get my shit together in Jan.

I’m such a little kid. First thing I did today was ask everyone what they got. I miss being little and calling my friends on the phone to find out what they got. Haha.

Rob likes his presents!! I’m very happy, but wish I could have gotten him more. . .:[

He got me ram for my computer and the Chronicles of Narnia box set. Dope!! He also got me something else but it went on backorder, and he had to re order it from someplace else, so it won't be here until later. He asked me this morning if I wanted to see what it was, but I said no, I'll wait until it gets here. :]

I still have gifts to give people, so I guess they’ll be a little late.

Merry xmas everyone!!

I was surprised, but I actually had a good time. There wasn’t really any awkwardness, there was an open bar, there were presents, and food, and strippers. All in all, not a bad night.

This is what I look like when I’ve been exhausted since 8 am and it’s 11 pm and I’ve had three drinks and I don’t want you to take a picture of me.

I have some other pictures but I really don’t want to post them cause my coworkers are in them.

No call from the car insurance place about the internship. I’m going to keep looking for another job though, since my one coworker decided to talk shit about my boyfriend and his coworker (not at the party, this was earlier in the week at work) since my coworker used to be one of their clients when he worked for another company. My coworker lied to me. I don’t like him. >:[

Ok, I’m tired and stuff. If I don’t write this weekend, have a happy holiday!

So all weekend I’ve been pretty down about this whole work situation thing. I think I actually thought about praying that something will happen. I don’t know if it’s an answer to my prayers, but today at work, Ben offered to have me stay and bump up my salary a considerable amount, but only if I’d learn (not like I’ve been trying to not learn, but I won’t go there.), and only if I stopped being a scumbag, and started being responsible and coming in every day of every week.

I told him I’d think about it. Originally I thought, let me wait and see what this auto insurance internship says, if they’ll take me or not. But after thinking about it, even if they take me, I’ll feel guilty for not staying here, since the internship would be paying less than the pay increase, and plus it’s only a part time position. So I’m leaning pretty far towards staying at my job, even though I totally hate it, and anything I learn I’d have to put to use on my own, cause it’s not like you can use porn sites in your portfolio when applying for a mainstream job. But I think I’m still going to wait and see what the internship says before giving an answer. I’m really kind of hoping for another solution. While what my current job offered me is more money than I’ve made thus far, I can’t be sure that I’m not going to just snap and walk out, god knows I’ve come close before.

And plus, the whole premise of me moving from customer service to the department I’m in now, was that I’d learn, and for like two months straight, I kept asking for things, and I got brushed off, told to talk on the message boards. And now Ben tells me that it doesn’t seem like I want to learn. Whatever. I hope there’s another solution to this, but I doubt there will be. At least I won’t have to buy a whole new wardrobe.

And in life stupidity today, my roomate took down his christmas stocking that I put up for him, (that I bought for him last year). I thought it fell down, but he told me that he took it down because he felt bad that his girlfriend didn’t have one up there. She’s not supposed to be living here. She never was. So why would she feel she had the right to have a stocking up here? I don’t know. Anyway, I had told him like two months ago that I was buying a christmas tree, and putting up the stockings from last year, and he laughed and said go ahead, she would have to deal. And now he forfeits christmas (for him anyway, we’re still having it) because I don’t want her to have a stocking in my house. Retarded. Way to approve of something one day, and change your mind when your gf yells at you.

I’m tired, and I finally did all of my xmas cards, and presents. . .except for one that will take me all week. . .oh. . .and my company holiday party is going to be at Scores on Thursday. Fabulous.

I got my tree today. This year, my xmas tree looks exactly how I feel. Because it is a xmas tree, it is xmassy. But when you stand back and really look at it, it looks sad and pathetic, a farce of what it truely is supposed to be. I’m pretty low on holiday spirit this year, and I think it’s mostly because I’m pretty lost. The fun of the holiday season, and of the new year, is in getting together with your friends and family, being thankful for the love that you have, and can give, and looking forward to the future, making plans for the rest of your life.

Don’t get me wrong. I am greatful for my family, as much as they anger me, and I’m extremely greatful for my boyfriend, who has somehow found the will to put up with me for over two years now. But in 2005, most of the people I considered friends showed me that I could never really count on them. Any plans I’ve made have either fallen through, or I’ve let myself down on. I’m at a loss when it comes to planning for the future, because I’ve pretty much lost all hope that I’ll ever find a job that I can enjoy, and be good at, that pays me well enough so that I’m not living week to week, just barely paying off my current bills. And this year I’ve proven to myself that I might be able to come up with some interesting ideas, I am totally unreliable for following through. No matter how much I tell myself I’m going to try and get my shit together and really, really try to find something that I can be passionate about again, I do nothing, and nothing happens, and I leave myself in bad situations.

So this year, the holiday isn’t really a happy season for me, because I look to next year, and all I see is another 365 days of trying to not notice how I’m failing, how I’m not doing anything to better myself or my life. Of working for people I hate, doing the least amount of work, to bring home just enough to live on. Of coming home after work and feeling so tired, that I don’t even want to try and do anything with myself, sitting in front of a computer playing flash games for hours.

So I had my interview on Monday at my car insurance place, I have no idea what they thought of me, but they said they’d let me know either way by the end of next week. Rock. I doubt I got it.

I stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday from work, I wasn’t feeling well, and did pretty much nothing either day. Thursday and today I went to work. Last night we watched the Maltese Falcon, which was pretty dope.

Today at work I decided I don’t like most of the makeup done on pornstars, because I honestly think the eyeshadow was either modeled after black eyes, or was invented as a way to cover them up.

I put up a tshirt store with spreadshirt on my twice on tuesday page. I plan on making some more items, but I have to figure out vector graphics first, and to do that, I have to learn to use Adobe Illustrator.

I also on a whim emailed a yarn company that is right near my house, to ask if they were hiring at all, and I sent them my resume.

Today I’ve had stomach pains, since I woke up, and I’m seriously wondering if I might have an ulcer. :/ If I do, I don’t have any other symptoms other than the stomach pains. I’m not vomiting blood or anything. I dunno.

I went to a party that my old high school friend threw at his house tonight. Rob came along, but it was totally awkward. We definitely were the odd couple out, everyone else there knew eachother, and not to be snobbish, but weren’t exactly the type of people Rob and I talk to. I should say, not the kind of people we have much in common with. I knew it was going to be like that, but I wanted to go anyway, cause my friend has little get togethers all the time, and he always invites us, and we never go. Oh well.

It’s the weekend, and I’m glad of it. I think I’ll finish up a scarf. . .

I’m so glad it’s Friday. Seriously. I’m going to go home tonight, take a nap, get some more knitting done, and play WoW. This week was horrible for sleep.

I did have some fun at the karaoke place in the city with my sis though. We were out late for a worknight, but it was fun all the same.

I miss singing a lot. I’ve tried to find a local chorus or something that wasn’t religion related, but no luck.

Tomorrow Rob and I are going to the holiday market in Union Square with a friend. I haven’t really got any money, but it’ll be nice to go out and do something. We’re going to dinner too. There’s supposed to be a lunch in the city with another friend on Sunday, but I’m not sure if we’re going to that, since we usually have early dinner at Rob’s parent’s house on Sundays, and this one, I think they’re making steak (yum).

But mostly this weekend I’m hoping to get some rest!! I’ve been tired every day this week, and I can’t seem to catch up.

Oh, and Monday I have a job interview for that web design internship. !!! So much going on this month!

Right now I’m waiting for 1pm so I can go to my car and take a much needed nap.

Holy crap. I just slept for about 4 hours. It’s midnight. After I got home from work, Rob and I ordered a pizza from Domino’s. We got some flyer in the mail, and one of the pies looked really super tasty. So we ordered, and about half an hour later, we were eating cheesy goodness.

We had about 3-4 slices each (got a large, but they’re really pretty small for a large, about Pizza Hut’s medium sized pizza, if you can use that to compare). Not 10 minutes after I ate mine, I started feeling drowsy. Like, really super sleepy. I had planned on playing some warcraft tonight, and I had already logged in, but was distracted for a little while by Koko (btw, who knew Koko was still around? I remember seeing her on Sesame Street with her kitten, and even at the young age of 5, it blew my mind that this was a GORILLA SPEAKING TO PEOPLE with sign language. Holy crap. What is this nonsense I hear though about a lawsuit against them because the president of the foundation asked women to bear their breasts to Koko? Click here to read about Koko’s nipple fetish. I have no idea. I wouldn’t bear my boobs to a gorilla though, any more than I would show my best friend just for the hell of it).

But seriously. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I logged out, and went to lie down in bed. Here’s the thing that really makes me wonder though. Rob came to lie down with me. At 8 pm. He woke up at noon today. He fell asleep until around 10:30.

So really, what the hell was in our pizza?

It snowed on Sunday night into Monday morning a little bit, and I stayed home yesterday. I had plans of doing laundry and making xmas cards, after sleeping in of course, but not much got done.

I didn’t get a phone call from the marble place yesterday, so they hired someone else. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t kind of relieved. I did get a call from my car insurance place though, they got my email on Friday and wanted to know if I wanted to set up an interview. I found out they’re paying more than I’m making now, but it’s a part time internship. . .though it’s not a temporary internship either. I asked the woman if there was any possibility of them offering a full time position eventually, and she said she wasn’t sure, though there are openings in the company all the time.

I also asked if, since the position is part time, if it were a few hours a day, 5 days a week, or if it were full time hours some days a week. They said it could be either so long as it was consistant, meaning that they weren’t going to deal with a rolling schedule. I set up an interview for this coming Monday.

This morning I cancelled the interview I’d had set for this afternoon/evening. . .talking with my sister and Rob convinced me that it’s really a waste of time to interview at a place I know I’m going to want to quit in a month, even if they’re offering more money than I’m making right now. My current company knows that I’m looking for another job that better suits me, a company that just hired me wouldn’t be as understanding.

I hate job hunting. I’m really kind of hoping to get this internship one though, and get some good hands on learning experience, and something that looks good on my resume, instead of more random crap.

Tomorrow night I’m going to the city with my sis to this karaoke place. I know it’s going to be fun, but going out after work is so tiring. :[ I like to come home and veg out, knowing that I’ve got to get to sleep in a few hours. And now that I’ve started playing World of Warcraft again, my productivity after work is at an all time low.

I’m actually playing this time.

Bored and tired. . .